Pride?

We had our gay pride fest this weekend. Somehow I'm not feeling it. Adam says I've been seeming depressed lately, and maybe I have. It's a struggle sometimes to even pretend I care about most things. He's been creating little tasks for me to get me motivated somehow. How do I tell him I just wanna crawl up and die?

I put the masque on again and hosted a party for the local chub and chaser group. Finally got to meet John's boyfriend Kerry, and Kerry's other boyfriend Chad. -Long sordid story. Things were going really ... well, until Adam started letting it be known that he was attracted to this guy named Pat. I gave him permission to play.

It still feels weird when he does it - not back exactly, just...like a potential bad not unlike speaking publicly. Deep down, I think half the reason I've decided to keep this an open relationship is that I'm afraid of losing him if I don't, and these little "pains" will keep me distant from him so that when he does leave, I'll never have to go through what I did with John.

There's no way to describe what John took from me. How does one explain the entire dream, the entire concept of love being stolen? Seems like each person I've really cared about has taken something from me.

Like my friend Andy; I really thought he was a better person than most. He's just as insecure and messed up as the rest of us. He can just lie to himself more readily.

It's dark in my house, everyone is asleep and here I am...typing once more. I both want this life to end and am afraid it will.