yeah, that moment

That moment when you realize the person you lent money to, is and has always used everyone as an ATM, gives you half the money he owes you, after being late three weeks, then leaves and goes to buy himself fast food without offering, and you're home bound.

some truths

John is a proven liar, but I keep finding myself wanting, needing to believe in him.  Like that moment when he says he's at the hospital with this wife when I know it's after visiting hours.  Throw in he owes me money from three weeks ago; I'm lonely and still dream of being his wife. 

My mother got hurt when I told her how I felt about her complaining all the time while I was in the hospital for a heart attack.  Now she doesn't talk to me out of spite or because she doesn't want to complain too much.  

I'm afraid of losing my grandmother so much that I cut her out of my life years ago. 

One thought, one word from Randy and I'm right back in that same spot where I am loving him from a distance, and secretly liking it. 

I'm afraid of dying, yet not too opposed to the idea. 

when, how or why?

The concept of one's mortality, although known, is not truly felt until approaching ones own true demise.  How we grow so intimate with the concept of time yet unchallenged and its abundance, we fail to see how shallow and swift moving this stream of life truly is.

At first, there is the shock of elders dying.  Rather a relative or kindly old mentor from childhood.  Perhaps it is a pet or even unexpected and early demise of a friend.  Reality is shaken, but somewhat in tack as we rationalize away the thought "that could have been me".

Then, as time goes, more and more leave us and the guilt of being a survivor takes root like some unseemly weed in the base of our thoughts.  We begin to fear strengthening those new relationships presented for fear of loss, and also cling obsessively to those that have weathered time.  With growing imminence, we know....that our time is coming.

Do we wonder when, do we wonder how or why?