Monday, November 21, 2011

what's a girl to do

I don't know what to do.  I'm losing sleep.

Ralph is sleeping on my front porch and it worries me.  I keep waiting for something major to happen.  At first, he was cleaning obsessively, now he just sleeps about 16 hours a day.  When he does pay me, he turns right around and asks for some back or I end up spending it on food.   He eats all the time, and mopes around. Worse, there's this expectation that I'm taking care of him and every day is another different story on his transplant and/or money.

Then, he's giving me all his insulin, and the house is very clean.  He's also companionship when I'm feeling lonely.  Especially since my old friends deemed me unacceptable.  He's also insurance if Chris moves out, which considering his jeep needs a new transmission now, isn't happening or awhile.  My house payment got dropped down to 187 per month, so that helps alot...but unemployment hasn't been extended beyond January 3rd, so I feel like I need to hold on to any source of income to finish school.

School has stressed me out.  I'm behind in Access and feel like I'm squeaking by in VB and A+ eventhough I'm sitting on a low A in each.   And then there's Chris, he's so insistant that I get Ralph out of here, but since that day he went all crazy on me, I will find it hard to ever trust him again.  He's too shifty.

sigh. what's a girl to do

Friday, November 18, 2011


ultimately, we all die alone.  

attended the viewing of my stepfather rex yesterday.  i've always thought my mother hated him, but know I realize it's just our ability to distance ourselves from emotion.  at one point, we were standing at the coffin, and she turned to me...eyes watering.  the weight of all the years shown on her face.

I met the only siblings I've ever known, and feel guilty that I didn't really ever know them.  I wondered how things would be different if I'd had. 

it's been ten months since randy, katie and I were in a room together.  I think another part of the truth has set upon me; randy wanted out of the friendship too, and used it as an oppurtunity to avoid wrath.  and worse, I think I embraced the moment to create sorrow for myself, because that's how I"m truly complete. 

so, here I sit at 5am, wide awake.  no real money worries, and thinking about raymond, eukas...and all those both known dead or departed somehow, and .... when is my time. 

will I see them again.