again.

ultimately, we all die alone.  

attended the viewing of my stepfather rex yesterday.  i've always thought my mother hated him, but know I realize it's just our ability to distance ourselves from emotion.  at one point, we were standing at the coffin, and she turned to me...eyes watering.  the weight of all the years shown on her face.

I met the only siblings I've ever known, and feel guilty that I didn't really ever know them.  I wondered how things would be different if I'd had. 

it's been ten months since randy, katie and I were in a room together.  I think another part of the truth has set upon me; randy wanted out of the friendship too, and used it as an oppurtunity to avoid wrath.  and worse, I think I embraced the moment to create sorrow for myself, because that's how I"m truly complete. 

so, here I sit at 5am, wide awake.  no real money worries, and thinking about raymond, eukas...and all those both known dead or departed somehow, and .... when is my time. 

will I see them again.