Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Love, Crooked Love

My heart beats out of time
With the constant pounding in my head
Fear, heartless fear
It pulls me away from my dying dreams of
Love, evil love
A constant craving to be heard
Time, wretched time
Has stolen away the only things I've ever held dear

I have never known love
I have wanted you all this time

And every time I try
I'm diving harder towards the ground
Oh, I think I can fly
But my heart has spun me upside-down
Love, crooked love
It drives a stake into the soul
Pain, precious pain
It's caused by those that we are the closest to

And I don't need your sympathy
To find my way
And all I've ever struggled for
Was love, crooked love

I have never known love
I have wanted you all this time
I have never know love
To be anything but a lie
I've hated you all my life

Sunday, December 13, 2009

peace with myself.

a week of extremes. First, the bad. I discovered a diabetic ulcer on my big toe friday morning. It really freaked me out; had visions of gangreen and amputations. I called off from work and rushed to the doctor. Several times I broke down while driving my my lovely friend Katie got me laughing. Thank god for her.

I have no one to blame but myself really. I have not been consistent with my insulin, nor have I taken my metformin. And honestly, that peanut butter I've been buying, or that chocolate bar as sympathy food isn't helping either. So here I was, with an open wound on my toe and didn't even know it. I need, have to take care of this. I can't be that person anymore.

I'm on antibiotics 4 times a day, and having to wear one of those funky chinese shoes. We'll see friday how things are going, but I see a difference already. The doctor didn't seem overly concerned, but maybe he realized I was in a state. I was afraid my puppy sophie had broken the skin and it got infected, but the dr told me it was a pressure would. He showed me how my toe isn't as flexible as my other, and that I'd been putting too much pressure one it. Couple that with the diabetes, and a "bed sore" happened. I need to get better shoes.

Now for the good news, and dare I say it? I met this really, sexy, cool, funny guy online about a week ago. I must confess I'm smittened. We'lll see how it goes though. I have little faith in meeting guyss online; something always seems to happen. I need to stay based in reality, but not too critical either. The more i find about about him, the more I like. Even his faults are cute.

Here are the holidays, and I've at least tried to make peace with my family. Theresa accepted, Diane did not. All that matters is that I have peace with myself.

and I'm absolutely in love with my puppy. even if she's a biter and I've got two facial wounds.