what we're given

My body is a cage
that keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

I'm standing on a stage
Of fear and self-doubt
It's a hollow play
But they'll clap anyway

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key

I'm living in an age
That calls darkness light
Though my language is dead
Still the shapes fill my head

I'm living in an age
Whose name I don't know
Though the fear keeps me moving
Still my heart beats so slow

We take what we're given
Just because you've forgotten
That don't mean you're forgiven

I'm living in an age
That screams my name at night
But when I get to the doorway
There's no one in sight

I'm living in an age
That laughs when I'm dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key
Set my spirit free
Set my body free

I started something and now I'm not too sure

I need to write something but I know this might be seen, so in my shame...and anger, I'll refrain from details.

You see, I promised myself that I wouldn't allow myself to be in a 'situation' again, but here I am in three.

Resentment is surfacing for someone I thought was over.  I romised myself that to hurt him would be easier than just suffering in silence.  Now I'm losing my desire to hurt further. The pain hasn't lessened ... just changed into something else; now I feel tainted. Is a promise to myself worth it?

I said I'd never fall for someone that couldn't desire me as much as I desired them, but here I am.  I see the signs and can make a decision, but do I want to?  I'm used to this.

And thirdly, like the old smiths song: "I started something, typical me...typical me, I started something and now I'm not too sure"

eric

Four months since I've seen Eric - My interest is fading. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfdbaS-vu00

John left Trish and moved back in - I've no interest
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ID4n9r3u_qw

Randy is silent - Interested only in hurting him

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-CUvbagiyI

News

I found out Raphael died last February 24th.  I was cleaning up messages in Facebook when I saw one from Larry Tindle.  I did'nt get it right away because I have him muted.

Not sure how I'm feeling about this.  I wanted him to die for so long because it would guarantee he'd never come slinking around to use or steal from me again. Yet I'm feeling the weight of ages: there's only three of us left that I know of.

I'm free of Raymond & Ralph now.

My cousin Mark has been on my mind lately,...I home its not an omen.

peace

I long for goodness and light, but some days...the weight of the past fills me with loathing. 

Getting flashes of how I've been disregarded, abused and forgotten.  I go outside and I see Adam talking to a guy he was planning on leaving me for, all the while making me believe we were solid.  John reading the personal ads in Nuvo right in front of me. Randy ghosting me. etc

I missed GenCon again this year.  Both money issues and my not wanting to be around people.  I feel hypocritical as I deride my mother for being a total recluse yet I find excuses not to do things. I miss the enjoyment of things...mostly the ability to just be in the moment. 

It's not all doom & gloom though.  I find peace with my babies or when I'm gaming.  

summer heat

Simmering angry with myself.  Took awhile but it looks like Eric is in that liar/avoider category. When we started having sex, he was really into it - then I noticed his enthusiasm waning followed by excuses.  So yeah, officially filing him away in that "Whateva" box.

Haven't heard anything bad from John so he must be in that Honeymoon phase again.  With Gencon coming, I'm sure there will be drama.  Not really sure how I feel about our recent hookup.

Due to money issues, cashing in one of my insurance policies.

Summer heat sucks.