Still though...

Two hours past the end of Valentine's Day...

I should be used to this by now....that annual sequence of stating that I feel nothing, hope for nothing, but still deep down, look/covet some kind of wonderful surprise and ultimately disappointed.  Still though, with each passing, the disappointment gets a little easier; a little too familiar.

I'd hoped to see Eric today, but he'd already informed me that he would be working on building a set for the play he's working on.  He did say that he would send me some pics for my viewing pleasure.  thus far, no message has arrived.  Trying really hard not to routinely check my phone.

I've been asking myself if I have romantic feelings for him, and I think I do...just not like anything I've had before.  I care about him, but there's no real passion there.  Mostly amusement and lust and a general tenderness.  I think I'm maybe too old or too jaded to go down that path again.

Speaking of which, John came by on Tuesday to have me edit a form.  Against a promise to myself, I started sex with him and he responded enthusiastically.  I think it was more about the power trip involved.  I cut it short and as he was leaving, I told him how I really felt and would wait for him.  Power trip or rationalization?

I sent Randy a text apology about our last conversation. I do miss him.  He responded with a text that he loved me.  Searching my feelings, there was nothing but brotherly affection and a longing for times past.  We're two different people now....do we even have a connection?

My furbabies are always with me - my rock.

Fairytales

Warm with dogs on either side of me, listening to the rain and thunder.  First storm of the year, and weather suggests it'll last for the next couple of days.

John told me he intends to move the rest of his stuff out.  I'd say something about that but it would change anyway.  I switch between thinking of him, randy and the fact I've not seen Eric in over a month.  

I'd like to lose myself and fall for Eric, but I'm just not that person anymore.  Randy killed that part of me believing in fairytales....