dying

Laying in my room, watching the lightning flash in our first thunderstorm signalling spring.  Thinking of how things spiral.

I've been fighting that sinking feeling that comes with stress.  I failed the second part of my a+ cert yesterday.  Funny, I thought I failed the first part, but then passed by a great amount and the opposite with this one.  In truth, I didn't study much for it....and offering no excuse.  Thankfully I'm not the only one that didn't pass.  The two things that mess with me the most are that some I consider dumb, did pass....and that I only missed passing by a mere 15 points...aka one question.

I had to break up with John.  He was making overtures to Katie.  Not only a female, but a friend....throw in that the last time we were intimate, he wasn't ...um, into it.  I just don't want that kind of abuse anymore. 

My diabetes is getting worse, even after my being good.  I've got a deep wound on my left foot with skin missing.  I've been keeping it clean, bandaged and applying medication but it's going to take awhile to heal since I have to walk on it. 

Also, I finally confronted Chris about the missing money from my wallet.  It happened a third time....with only a dollar.  I'd been keeping my money on me because I had money missing before but as it was only a dollar, I didn't think too much on it.  Chris only gets paid once ever two weeks and blows through his money.  Last saturday, he left to go buy cigarettes, came back and that's what I noticed the money was gone from wallet.  I asked him if he took it.  I was justified as no one else was here, and he's taken a five dollar bill laying on my computer desk before without asking.

He denied it, then kept blowing up ...saying he was done and going to move.  I didn't bother even arguing with him.  The next day, he made a great show of giving me a dollar, then saying that he at least had friend taht will give him cash when he needs it.  That's his way...when he's caught, he turns verbally abusive and tries to make me think I'm being an asshole, or attacks people I care about. Since then, I've only heard him twice as he's keeping to his room. 

Friday is the first.  I'm secretly wishing I'll come home and he'll be moved out, but I fear it'll be drama of his not paying me, and me having to go through the entire eviction route.  Which I've never done.  I was hoping that I'd have the A+ cert under my belt if UI runs out and I have to work.  I've got about a thousand dollars right now and all bills are paid, so if he leaves,  I'm in good shape as long as I watch myself.

I finally bought an exercise bike, and have used it a bit.  Mostly today while working out some depression/anger issues.  It's uncomfortable but I've gotta stick to it.  I can't live like this anymore.  I've alreay reconcilled too much as it is. 

I'll never have anyone love me romantically again, I'll never be young and full of energy again, I'm dying slowly