Wednesday, July 07, 2010


I brought Euk home today. I surprised even myself at how distant and removed I was throughout the entire endeavor. It wasn't until I got in the back parking lot that I lost it. Always where no one can see.

My entire childhood was like that. Anger and sarcasm was accepted, but pain and tears were something to hide, unless you were using them to manipulate. I think that's why I have such an aversion to 'routine' criers. It's only when the strong types lose it that I melt down.

I carried her ashes to my car, hugging her tight to me. She's home.

Saturday, July 03, 2010

Fireworks for Eukas

There was a boom, followed shortly by another...then a pattern emerged. Red, glaring digits indicated it was just after ten; I was swathed in darkness and isolation. Then I remembered, my dog died this morning.

I knew the questions would come to me. Did I make selfish choices, did she suffer, did I fail? This time last year, Eukas had a fatty spot on her stomach that I've seen on dogs before, but it disappeared. She was 13 then, and still spunky enough to argue with my other girls.

Eukas was was always my strong one, my teddy bear. Shadow and Sophie always slept apart from me, but Eukas, she has always been there, pressed against me. The three times I've slept away from home, I've had to curl up against something her size just to sleep. And to think, I've always told people that was because I snored too loudly.

About three months ago, I was noticed a large bulge on shoulder. By then, it was too late. I felt around her and discovered other lumps, no where as large, but there none the less. I knew the end was coming.

Some days I didn't think about it. Was it a conscience effort, or just another aversion I've demonstrated to death?

When I found myself alone, I'd think about the impending day when she would no longer be, and allowed myself the release of grief. But then the cap would come back on and I'd be the jester again. Keeping it all bottled up; I'm not even sure that's a possibility anymore for it showed in my actions to others. Especially to katie and randy whom I love so much.

In my foolishness, I almost lost them forever. I wish I could say I don't still feel the strain, but it's going to take a long time before they're comfortable with me again.

The lump on Euka's shoulder continued to grow but she didn't show any signs of pain. There were no signs of infirmity...until two weeks ago.

I'd been noticing pee spots on the carpet, but attributed it to Sophie and my not being home enough to be consistent in my training. Eukas had tried to go outside via the back doggie door, and was laying on the floor, unable to climb the stairs or go outside. She was even unable to stand and had just urinated on herself.

I picked her up, but her legs couldn't hold her weight on the bare floor. I felt nothing as I cleaned her up, and brought her to the carpeted area. The next morning, she refused food.

Two weeks ago last saturday, I resolved myself to put her to sleep at home. I had to force feed her the narcotic in some food. She just slept through the weekend.

These last two weeks have really broken my heart. on top of difficulties from work, and my almost losing my two best friends, I watched Eukas slowly decline daily. She took to staying in one spot for lengthy periods of time.

Yesterday, when I got home from work, she was laying on her side and started crying. The last bit of my soul shattered. I put her on a pillow and laid with her for a bit. I think I even slept a bit. I texted john and asked if his vet would put her to sleep. he replied and asked for a sec, but never heard from him again that day.

She was still alive when I left to go to randy's, and as I drove on the highway, I felt guilty for wishing she'd die in her sleep before I got home. I'm so fucked up. But she was crying when she heard me come in the door.

She was getting paralyzed. Throughout the night, I kept checking on her. She seemed so frail, so near death. I kept listening for that death rattle but couldn't tell. She was alive this morning around 6am. I lay with her in the morning light, just rubbing her head. I knew it would be today. I had shadow come over to her and asked her to say goodbye.

I told Eukas how much I loved her, and that it was okay to let go. I'd join her later. In silence, I just watched my baby.

I eventually crawled back on the couch around 8 and woke up after noon. I let the Shadow and Sophie outside, and checked on her. She was cold.

I thought I'd prepared myself. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see. I staggered and wondered at that sound I was making. She died laying on the floor, at my feet. Did she feel alone?

John came when I called, and took her to get cremated. I wish I was strong enough to have went, but I can't and will never be able to show emotion in front of strangers.

He brought the blanket he'd carried her out in, and left it on my table. I felt nothing then, cap in place. After he left, I slept....deeply.

It wasn't until the fireworks started that I came back to hell. How ironic that everyone around me is celibrating and I, being the outsider eternal, am filled with consuming grief.

Eukas, my poor baby girl, I hope you are at peace. And when I see fireworks, I'll always think of you my love.