Sunday, August 23, 2009


time has passed, emotions have changed, I'm a bit older

Evverything's changed.

My views on love, friendship and life. What is fidelity? Is it destroyed by the act of betrayal, or the mere thought of dissonance? We seem to be a complex orchestra and pray that a stray note gets swallowed by the cacophany of others.

Old patterns emerged. I couldn't see through the insincerity of his flirtations or her subtle manipulations. I was always concious when they touched, when they shared a moment...and I found that I wouldn't stop the torture.

So now she's gone, and my friend, my love, little brother is in pain. I can do nothing but offer an outlet if he reaches out. Just be there.

Cedric is coming to live with me. Any romantic overtures haven't resurfaced and I think we can actually be roomies/friends with benefits. I can do without that dizzy spin feeling I get when in love. sometimes the bullshit just comes out of me. Like I could love anyone until i'm out of love with my boy. I can honestly say that picturesque ideal is fading. How much longer?

Each day I'm aware of how old my girls are getting. Eukas looks sad most of the time, and Shadow no longer jumps the fence. I will lose my soul when they depart. They are my destruction. I'm prepared to lose my grandmother, randy, my friends...but not them.

People always leave. Whether it's a lover, or a trusted friend that's harbored resentment. My D&D game dissolved and it saddens me, but I can't blame anyone but myself really. I handled the situation badly; let personal feelings dictate how it ended, and betrayed some good friends beyond repair. I show anger so that no one sees how guilty I feel that I did...I do the things I do.

If karma does come back, then I understand all that has happened.

The 20 year saga with my family has come to an end. I finally voiced subverted feelings to diane, but her retaliation didn't alleve, nor lay to rest all of the injustices of my youth. If anything, they were just buried in a less important part of my psyche.

time has passed.