anniversary

today both is and is not what I expected it to be. being one always for the paradox, how can a day be so quiet and yet monumentously loud upon my psyche?

one year ago, just at this moment, I was arriving home after leaving steven at the studio. Nervously he'd given me his email in a chilly parking lot; eyes averted as he asked me if I would like to contact him again. I wasn't sure if it was obligatory or if he truly wanted to know me.

I drove home listening to disintegration with my heart heavy like rain, and thinking on the day. He'd tried several times to arrange a meeting but always, I made excuses. That day....one year ago, I decided to take a chance. It was ordinary enough, two guys in a steak and shake sharing small talk.

I looked into his eyes as the conversation got serious. My head slightly turned as I looked for any sign of his approval. His eyes, green and fierce, matched how animately he discussed god and the universal desire for personal meaning. He smiled quickly, waiting for input that I'd forgotten to give. I looked into his eyes, and drowned.

We saw some really bad cinema, which actually helped as my mind kept going back to how close his body was to mine. I could feel the heat from his arm against mine. My face flushed.

I showed him my house, both of us thinking the obvious. Oh how I wished I'd not been so eager that night....both eager and nervously hesitant. He was very passionate that night, but not much after. We held hands driving back to the studio.

Pictures of You began playing, and he sang to me. His voice...surrounded me and like the water I imagined myself immersed within, it swallowed me as disappeared in it's darkness.

One year ago I drowned.