Steven

I'm sleepless
You've had me wide awake.
I'm dreamless
My soul is yours to take.

I'm haunted when I look in your eyes.
I want this,
and I won't be denied.

take this

Can I take this? Can I take this volatile mood change that seems to be his nature?

He blustered his way into my life, a life that had just gotten used to being single again, and wrecked my concentration. This wonderful detour has taken me back into a place I didn't want to be.

We used to see eachother more often; I haven't seen him since Saturday night and only then because I drove to the bar where he'd called from to cancel plans.

The sad part, is that he warned about this happening. The problems seem to have started when I returned to work. Steven sleeps in most of the day, and his only obligation is a daily NA meeting. I have limited windows of time available and when I try to coordinate something with him, he makes me feel like I'm always asking for his time.

Work is exhausting, especially the commute. I've been taking naps afterwards and waking up drained and emotionally oversenstive. I think I'm a little disappointed because I secretly wished Steven had gotten kicked out and would have moved in. I miss curling up next to him when I wake in the middle of the night.

I do have my reservations though. I feel so stupid for getting involved with a recovering drug addict. I'd just reached a point where Adam wasn't on my mind. I don't get it. He seems so into me when we're around. He was even so interested in what I thought, how I felt. I thought it was finally happening to me.

What to do now? Can I take this detachment? Can I take this longing? Can I?

even angels fall

Sorrow sings
his kisses in silence
and adjusts the blinds to keep the light
from mocking everything I feel
I dance slowly
a silhouette upon the curtains
but my eyes seem to cry
only empty tears
I beg for comfort with inadequate verse
it meant so much to me... and so little to him
and I am sinking into a mountain of self pity
why can't I simply disregard all the things I feel?

"where is my angel when I need him most?"
"tell me now where did he go?"

....yeah. it's coming.

I’m taking a ride off to one side
It is a personal thing.
Where?
When I can’t stand
Up in this cage I’m not regretting.

I don’t need a better thing,
I’d settle for less,
It’s another thing for me,
I just have to wander through this world
Alone.

Stop before you fall
Into the hole that I have dug here,
Rest even as you
Are starting to feel the way I used to,
I don’t need a better thing
(Just to sound confused)
Don’t talk about everyone,
I am not amused by you.

I’m gonna lose you,
Yeah I’m gonna lose you
If I’m gonna lose you,

I’m gonna lose you,
Yeah I’m gonna lose you
If I’m gonna lose you
I’ll lose you now for good