Monday, November 21, 2005


I detest almost everyone in my family
I'm still hurting that my mother isolated herself from me for a secret
I'm not over adam and I'm falling for john again
I lied about not keying raymond's car
I never let adam get close and think that's the reason why we broke up
I'm afraid I won't ever let anyone get close to me again
I'm afraid I'm pushing people away even now

Monday, November 14, 2005

Late Nights

Sitting here in a state of confusion. Winter is coming and I've been really introspective lately. It's been two weeks since I've spoken with Adam, two weeks since I've seen John and two weeks since I've felt well.

My Halloween party was a success I guess. Everyone says they had fun, but I didn't. I had my hopes up on this guy named Mike that I met a few months back in Chicago. He came down for the party as my date. The Party was going as it should, drama, stuff getting broken and lots of flirting. John showed up and seemed to be disturbed. I found out later that he left in huff - apparently jealous that I was hanging on Mike. Imagine....being jealous as he's going home to his wife and child.

Mike really embarrassed me when I came out of the shower and he was in the front bedroom having sex with someone else. fit.

Afterwards, I got really sick with the flu, then a sinus infection....and then bronchitis. I've missed about 3 days of work and thinking I'm finally through with it all when I get a burning sensation when I urinate. OMG...did that little fucker give me an STD?

Turns out it's just a urinary tract infection. It hurts. Saw the Doctor today and went back on my Diabetes meds...but she didn't give me any antibiotics. Returning to work tomorrow and I'm sure they think I'm faking all this.

God, after four months, I'm still missing Adam. I wish he would write me - I'm just going to let him go if he doesn't. That would mean it's just my clinging on.

John left a message on my phone and said "I love you babe" Suddenly, this casual relationship with him means something more. I'm not sure how I feel about him. There's some residual infatuation but I know better. I so know better.

So, I sit here...again having my chaotic late night thoughts. The only thing changing is I'm getting older.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


This new mask won't come off.

This smiling face,
full of wit and sarcasm.
Bitter like an old woman's tears
Deceitful like a lover's promise

I wish I could take it off.

I wish, I really wish I wanted to.