Thursday, September 29, 2005


I smile but there's nothing really behind it. I laugh and it sounds so empty. It's not that I'm still thinking about Adam so much, it's just that I feel so much despair for things that I know aren't going to come again. Severe disappointment in what I thought could be.

I get up, I go to work, I come home and either fail in my attempt at reading homework, try to alleviate lonliness by chatting on the net or lose myself in another meaningless encounter with so called friends.

I'm just so disenchanted with everything.

One night, after several long islands and a private showing of Moulin Rouge, I sent Adam an email declaring my undying love and devotion. Until now, whenever I'd hint at his returning or my feelings, he'd never comment. This time though, .... he did.

"Well.. I don't think that your proclamation of your unyeilding love for me is a good way to commence a conversation. At the present time Scott is really the only thing on my mind and the only topic I wish to use for a deep conversation. I don't think that it would be fair to express my thoughts, concerns, etc. about Scott to you as I think this would be perhaps helpful to me but hurtful to you. I do not wish to hurt you more than I already have. I'm sorry that things turned out the way they did. However, I can say that the short time we spent together has helped me to find my true self more than all of the previous years of my life. Perhaps this is something you could focus on, the knowledge that you helped a very lost boy find his way out of a shell that was on the brink of an implosion, instead of the feeling of emptiness and
heartbreak. I still have a long way to go as Scott has made me realize. I'm still unsure of myself as a gay man, I still have reservations about being gay, and I have not truly accepted it as of yet. I've got to go.. I just got off from work and I need some downtime.. "

I feel so angry.

He was supposed to learn that with me!

He was supposed to be loving me!