Sunday, January 21, 2018


Life has settled into a comfortable routine. By that I mean little happens that is unexpected.   Time sharing with John is actually working out well.  He still provides money and the occasional chore without my having to have sex with him, nor see him every day.

I've been presented with an opportunity with my friend Eric.  He has responded to my tired and overused flirtations by flirting back.  He's went further than Randy by actually kissing me on the cheek and sending me a picture of his junk.  I feel like I'm too old for this ride.

He's still in his twenties and I know the futility of straight guys, especially the slippery slope of rationalizing I can just handle sex.  The main problem is Eric is a nice guy; literally a boy scout.  If I could get past my low body/sex image and had hope there could be something more than just regretful sex, I think I would be interested. 

Even though, days bleed into each other.  I am constantly annoyed with/by people when they call/visit then after a few days, I miss the company.  There's only so much Skyrim and TV binging that can be done before it gets old.  By the way. my perfect boyfriend would be Stiles Stilinsky aka Dylan O'Brien.  Sigh....he even catches my eye more than Jason Ralph. 

I've always been a fool for goofy boyish guys that laugh and are quirky.   Where is my kermit?

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Jeeze, it has been nearly a year since I last posted. 

Been spending my time asleep this past week, processing all the things that have changed.  My grandmother died, and I feel nothing.

Noticed that I'm not even mentioned in my senior yearbook. 

My life has been on hold since 2012, seems like it's over.

Sunday, December 18, 2016


Original: John left me for a woman cause I couldn't give him what he wanted.
Revised: It was a learning experience at the time, but he couldn't give me what I needed.

Original: Randy abandoned me and I loved him
Revised: Randy did me a favor and let me go so I'd move on.

Original: Charles stopped being my friend after I felt him up while asleep.
Revised: It was a gradual process, but Charles flirted with me and I responded. Friendship isn't forever.

Original: I've come to realize just how selfish people can be...

Revised: Maybe its time I should be too.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

means something?

days bleed into each other.  Only the view from my window seems to change.

john has been living here for a year now...well his stuff is located here.  He spends most of his time with his girlfriends.  At least I have the dogs for company.  my circle of friends have greatly diminished.  Aside from John, I only talk to DeWayne outside of the game.

I still have issues with my sugar...sometimes I'm good with it, otherwise it seems like I have a death wish.  perhaps I've always had one.

from my rebellion in school, to my weight issues to having in faith in people that care nothing about me; can i ever escape this circle of repetition>

snow will be coming soon.  i think this means something.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Laying here in the dark, with the man I used to love snoring behind me.  Thinking about love, it overcomes me and then leaves....a hollow within.

Thoughts have been on Randy lately.  Was it really love, or just some long lost desire for a lost youth, a lost friend.....a lost chance at normality?  We really didn't have much in common except d&d, but oh how his brown eyes made me smile.

When I was 18, and the torment of kenneth lay upon me, I thought my life so bleak.  Now, with the amputation, the isolation and the overwhelming desire to avoid people, I know the meaning anew.

Monday, March 07, 2016

It's early morning; blue light sneaks in through my living room window.  The hairs on my arms tingle as the fan blows brisk air over my blanketed and broken body.  Kai is nestled by my side; his tiny paws scratching at my legs as he dreams.

I'm feeling really calm.  Pressing my face into the pillow, the cotton smell envelops me.  I think about how the past few years feel as if I've been in a coma.

As the new leaves of spring push up from wintery slumber; grasping for the promised warming sun, I'm beginning to stir.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

My Story

people leave.

I've always had a difficult time letting go.  I think it stems from abandonment from my mother...growing up with friends and knowing their parent(s) were around.  I grew up with my grandparents was was always reminded how they were doing me a favor.

I can't remember whether Charles or Rodney left first; both after an intimate encounter that ended communication.

Tim was next....I guess I was too wild for him.  I know I was....but we were all different then.  John was the first boyfriend to leave, then Adam followed by Steven.  John came back, but we never really feel the same....I learned I can live without any of them.

And finally, Randy.  He decided his life needed to go in a direction that didn't include me.  What took some time to realize, is that this is MY story, and his chapter in MY book ended, but the story goes on.