Tuesday, October 17, 2017



Jeeze, it has been nearly a year since I last posted. 

Been spending my time asleep this past week, processing all the things that have changed.  My grandmother died, and I feel nothing.

Noticed that I'm not even mentioned in my senior yearbook. 

My life has been on hold since 2012, seems like it's over.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

re-evaluation

Original: John left me for a woman cause I couldn't give him what he wanted.
Revised: It was a learning experience at the time, but he couldn't give me what I needed.

Original: Randy abandoned me and I loved him
Revised: Randy did me a favor and let me go so I'd move on.

Original: Charles stopped being my friend after I felt him up while asleep.
Revised: It was a gradual process, but Charles flirted with me and I responded. Friendship isn't forever.

Original: I've come to realize just how selfish people can be...

Revised: Maybe its time I should be too.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

means something?

days bleed into each other.  Only the view from my window seems to change.

john has been living here for a year now...well his stuff is located here.  He spends most of his time with his girlfriends.  At least I have the dogs for company.  my circle of friends have greatly diminished.  Aside from John, I only talk to DeWayne outside of the game.

I still have issues with my sugar...sometimes I'm good with it, otherwise it seems like I have a death wish.  perhaps I've always had one.

from my rebellion in school, to my weight issues to having in faith in people that care nothing about me; can i ever escape this circle of repetition>

snow will be coming soon.  i think this means something.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Laying here in the dark, with the man I used to love snoring behind me.  Thinking about love, ...how it overcomes me and then leaves....a hollow within.

Thoughts have been on Randy lately.  Was it really love, or just some long lost desire for a lost youth, a lost friend.....a lost chance at normality?  We really didn't have much in common except d&d, but oh how his brown eyes made me smile.

When I was 18, and the torment of kenneth lay upon me, I thought my life so bleak.  Now, with the amputation, the isolation and the overwhelming desire to avoid people, I know the meaning anew.

Monday, March 07, 2016

It's early morning; blue light sneaks in through my living room window.  The hairs on my arms tingle as the fan blows brisk air over my blanketed and broken body.  Kai is nestled by my side; his tiny paws scratching at my legs as he dreams.

I'm feeling really calm.  Pressing my face into the pillow, the cotton smell envelops me.  I think about how the past few years feel as if I've been in a coma.

As the new leaves of spring push up from wintery slumber; grasping for the promised warming sun, I'm beginning to stir.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

My Story

people leave.

I've always had a difficult time letting go.  I think it stems from abandonment from my mother...growing up with friends and knowing their parent(s) were around.  I grew up with my grandparents was was always reminded how they were doing me a favor.

I can't remember whether Charles or Rodney left first; both after an intimate encounter that ended communication.

Tim was next....I guess I was too wild for him.  I know I was....but we were all different then.  John was the first boyfriend to leave, then Adam followed by Steven.  John came back, but we never really feel the same....I learned I can live without any of them.

And finally, Randy.  He decided his life needed to go in a direction that didn't include me.  What took some time to realize, is that this is MY story, and his chapter in MY book ended, but the story goes on.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

surface

having one of those days filled with secret memories and fond farewells.  I spoke to Randy a few days ago, after nearly seven months.  It may be me, but I could tell he wanted to get off the phone.  So...that chapter finally ends, to be referenced only in passing.

Things are coming full circle.  John has moved in and we're dancing around in an open relationship.  I'm feeling as if I've been away on a commercial break and just now rejoining the show that is my life.

Having the heart attack really has changed me, but not as much as the amputation or the ending of several friendships.  People change, evolve....how silly I was to think I couldn't/wouldn't and was forced into it.   I get sad though when I miss those saturday nights with Randy and Katie.

Now I just have the four dogs and am a virtual recluse.   Music is still my escape and there have been some great ones surface.