strangely

....strangely thinking about a boy named cedric today.

doubting

i'm exhausted and can't sleep.  feeling anxious, and on edge. 

my friday night group is coming to my house this week, as we're trying to avoid the superbowl crowd coming to town.  as is always the case, trying to impress two straight boys, i volunteered to cook lasagna.  i thought to myself, well...i'm only taking two classes, how much strife can it cause?

now i'm concerned how clean my house is, how muddy it's getting with all the rain because right after cleaning, sophie tracks mud...etc.  then there's chris...

my roomie is turning out to be quite the liar and thief. 

incident one december:
chris paid me back after borrowing twenty dollars.  i bought something minor and stuck the change in the sun visor on the driver's side.  a few days later, when he and john were working on my car, chris volunteered that my car door was unlocked.  i checked, and the only thing missing was the money.

incident two, right after christmas,
I had cash on me as a fluke.  I stood in the kitchen and and sorted my cash by denomination, and placed it back in my wallet.  about two hours later, we were going to order something, go to the store...dunno, but there was a reason for me getting in my wallet.  some cash was missing. i looked in the kitchen, pants....anywhere i'd been.   i knew exactly how much was missing.   then chris said he 'found' it by the microwave, and that my old ass had probably just laid it there.  ...when sorting my money, i was standing on the other end of the kitchen; chris was the one by microwave.

incident three, a few days ago.
again, had cash on my from chris paying rent.  i laid a fiver on my computer desk to remind me to give to him as he'd overpaid and we didn't have change.  nevermind that i'd bought him pop, milk, and other little items.  later that day, he was on the computer and I remembered the five bucks.  when i came in the room, it was gone.  i asked him about it and he said he'd not seen it.   after explaining that I was going to give it to him, he then admitted he just grabbed it, because I owed it to him.   and wasn't going to say anything cause it was only five bucks. 

it was at this point, i put it together.

tonight, i went into his room. 
there was his pony tail that he's told everyone he donated to cancer patients.
there were the forks laying on the floor after he said he'd looked for them
there was the bottle of lotion he claimed he threw away because it cracked and was leaking

what to do.

randy has expressed interest in joining my sunday game, but requested that we not play every sunday.  why is it that even agreeing with that, i feel contrary?  for the past few days, i sat and tried to explore if there's any feelings left for him...i can't remember the answers if there were any.

the situation with john is strange.  he's hinting more and more at money issues, all passive agressive like.  whatever obligation i felt i had for him, paid in full.

so....there is probably the reasons for my current state.  i'm doubting.

my beloved

It's colder than before

The seasons took all they had come for
Our winter dance is here
It seems so fitting don't you think?
To dress the ground in white and grey

It's so quiet I can hear
My thoughts touching every second
That I spent waiting for you
Circumstances afford me
No second chance to tell you
How much I've missed you

My beloved do you know
When the warm wind comes again
Another year will start to pass

And please don't ask me why I'm here
Something deeper brought me
Than a need to remember

We were once young and blessed with wings
No heights could keep us from their reach
No sacred place we did not soar

Still, greater things burned within us
I don't regret the choices that I've made
I know you feel the same

My beloved do you know
How many times I stared at clouds
Thinking that I saw you there

These are feelings that do not pass so easily
I can't forget what we claimed as ours

Moments lost though time remains
I am so proud of what we were
No pain remains, no feeling
Eternity awaits

Grant me wings that I might fly
My restless soul is longing
No pain remains, no feeling
Eternity awaits

in my sleep

mortality.   for some time now, the thoughts of my impending death has visited me more often than the sweet comforts of youth.  the realization that my life is over the half way mark has become unescapable. My health doesn't have that bounce back ability it used to.  I feel the pressure of my weight more with each day, and my legs constantly swell.

I think about what would happen to Sophie if I should pass.  Then I think about the pain I'll go through when she passes, and she's only 2 years old.  My mind drifts to getting another companion  puppy, but then I wonder if she'd be jealous. 

Later, I think of all my friends who have spouses, children....and how they won't be alone when they get old.  When I was younger, my grandparents has several friends that scared me.  They sat in old houses/apartments, all alone with their ruined leather chairs, ratty couches and televisions.  No one came to visit, or they had no children.  I so much don't want to end up alone, but I think it's our destiny.

I wonder how I will die.  I hope it's peaceful, and in my sleep. 

dream

afraid I might wake from this dream.

the past few weeks, although surreal, have left me very content.  it seems I've got my dnd group back, my friendship with chris is solidifying, i'm enthusiastic about school, and I've made internal peace with john, diane and my mother.

I started running smuggler's shiv sunday, and I sat for a moment, looking at the people sititng around me.  here was my past...all 20 years of it.  there were two people missing, but yesteray, one of them epressed an interest in joining.

right now.  I have nothing to be sad about..it's a dream.

sleep comes down.

"must have been asleep for days".....the cure

I think i've been awake a total of 10 hours since tuesday.  The guys came over and created characters, and we're trying to play on sundays so katie can play.  I hope it works out, just miss her smiled and fiendish pixieishness.

John's wife has been out of town all week, and he came over to watch Columbiana Christmas day.  Midway through the movie, it stopped so I tried burning it as a regular dvd.  While waiting, I started rubbing on john's nether parts, and he came.   Um...so much for my sorta scheduled event.   I don't know why i initate sex with him, then want to quite because i'm not into it.   I don't really feel like i'm into sex at all anymore.  Most of time, I just immerse myself in music and 'feeling' .....something.

I've had too much time to think while on this break from school.  It's really sank in how alone, .....scratch, scratch....how utterly alone we really are.  My mother is selfish and will never be there for me.   I don't have anyone special in my life....and then i started worrying what if something happens to me, what about sophie.   argh.

I'm having to reteach myself basic algebra so that I can at least qualify to take the intermediate class.  I've got 18 lessons that need completed by next tuesday at 5:30. 

I feel so friggin huge.   maybe I should go back to sleep.

review

it's been a year of loss, and a year of discovery.

I lost my dear shadow this year.  She was fourteen and my sweet, sweet little baby.  I remember how she fit in my palm the night we rescued her.  I had to feed her with a bottle and keep her close to my heart for warmth.  Her death affected  me diffferently than Euks....not less, just differently.

I lost one of my best friends this year.  We just drifted apart it seems, or maybe the friendship couldn't take the pressure of uncontrolled emotions, or maybe it was just our differences could no longer be hidden.

I also lost something I held very dear...My dungeons and dragons interest.  It took eight months before I could even plaly again.  Had to be with completely new people.  It's still not the same as when I was younger, and that I miss the most.

I'm feeling really, really old and just tired.  I'm feeling the weight of the world upon me, and although I fear death...somedays I can think of nothing more.

I discovered that I can go back to school, and do  reasonably well.  I also discovered that I can let go of anger, that I can say no....and that I am allowed to take revenge on dirty little lying faggots that hurt me many years ago.

I also realized how selflish everyone really is, especially my mother. She lies to herself, twists things so that the responsibility falls on other people, then removes herself from situations.  I pray so much that I'm not nor will be like her. 

and I discovered that all things pass. A tiny part stays with you, but things pass.  and most importantly, when you are empty, that makes room for something new.