Friday, December 07, 2018

Randy Who


Wow

Big week.

Started my new job,...well, orientation anyway.  It's a work from home position doing tech help for Blue Cross/Blue Shield.  It's going to be a juggling act with training on top of dialysis and during the holidays to boot.  I just hope I don't get in trouble if the dogs bark.

My plan is to work in the front room with the baby gate in place and have the front window curtains closed.  Hopefully this will prevent the barking on randoms walking down my street.

In other news....

I finally had sex with Eric....Twice.  Right now it's a FWB and not sure, but I think it'll stay that way.  I don't have any feelings for him persay, but I wouldn't be opposed if he expressed a desire to go further.  He surprised the hell out of me by wanting to see picks of my junk and said he wanted to reciprocate.  I was a little nervous about that so I just got him off twice.

He was very appreciative. :P

Randy Who?

Friday, November 30, 2018

like that rolling stones song

Was feeling really down today.  I couldn't even bring myself to leave the house today for dialysis and slept most of the day away.  So as I was trying to find something to occupy my time when ...

Randy called.

I'm not sure how I feel about that. 

I keep hearing that lyric from the Rolling Stone's song.

"You can't always get what you want, but if you find sometimes, you get what you need"

Monday, November 19, 2018

trusting

It's been a very long time since I've put my thoughts into written word.  I've been taking a moral stock of my past deccisions and trying to adjust to all the recent changes in my life.

Most of these changes have come to pass in the last two months.  Since my 2013 amputation, I went into reclusion.  I didn't really want to live anymore.  The only things I cared about were my friends and gaming.  Most of my 'friends' turned out not to be, and my gaming sessions went with them.

I'm now going to dialysis three times a week.  I feared getting to this stage, but it's not really that bad actually.  The major hassles are getting there in inclimate weather and setting still for four and a half hours.  It's not painful anymore.  Getting there is a process though as I have to use a manual wheelchair to get to the car, and after lifting the chair into the back, using a walker to get to the front seat.  I'm thankful for Joe selling me his Subaru because otherwise I'd be dependent on the IndyGo shortbus.

I've also managed to piss Joe off, but everything that transpired needed to be said.  I'd grown really dissatisfied with having him in my life anyway as he's so condescending and imperious.  Maybe a bit too much like me eh? 

John's castoff son Jack told his mom I'd been talking to him sexually and that I'd told him all about me an John being together.  I found out he used it as an excuse for why he'd been acting out the past year and diverted pushishment for doing something by changing the focus unto me.  I feel betrayed but not really surprised.  Still though, it stings that he raved about what a good friend I was and sought my advice on religion and his feelings.  Some of his questions really bothered me though.

His mother has forbidden him to be around me and after what he's done, I wouldn't want him around me anyway.  Who knows what he could lie about in the future and I need to protect myself.

As a result, the truth came out that John was only saying he still lived with me so that I'd take care of his kid when he had him for visitation.  HIs girlfriend wouldn't allow Jack to come stay there and John was okay with that.  Father of the year eh?
Oh well, let the liars all live with each other.

With this bullshit going on with Jack, and John's girlfriend being uber insecure, John has told me to only contact him through email as she read's his text messages and monitors his location via a phone app.  He stopped paying me any month and left his two dogs along with all his shit.  I couldn't make my house payment this month.  It was either that or eat.

Thankfully, I got a part time job working from home.  It's not permanent but it should get me by for a few months.  I hope I can handle dialysis, working, decling health, isolation and the coming winter.

I miss being trusting.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

routine


Life has settled into a comfortable routine. By that I mean little happens that is unexpected.   Time sharing with John is actually working out well.  He still provides money and the occasional chore without my having to have sex with him, nor see him every day.

I've been presented with an opportunity with my friend Eric.  He has responded to my tired and overused flirtations by flirting back.  He's went further than Randy by actually kissing me on the cheek and sending me a picture of his junk.  I feel like I'm too old for this ride.

He's still in his twenties and I know the futility of straight guys, especially the slippery slope of rationalizing I can just handle sex.  The main problem is Eric is a nice guy; literally a boy scout.  If I could get past my low body/sex image and had hope there could be something more than just regretful sex, I think I would be interested. 

Even though, days bleed into each other.  I am constantly annoyed with/by people when they call/visit then after a few days, I miss the company.  There's only so much Skyrim and TV binging that can be done before it gets old.  By the way. my perfect boyfriend would be Stiles Stilinsky aka Dylan O'Brien.  Sigh....he even catches my eye more than Jason Ralph. 

I've always been a fool for goofy boyish guys that laugh and are quirky.   Where is my kermit?

Tuesday, October 17, 2017



Jeeze, it has been nearly a year since I last posted. 

Been spending my time asleep this past week, processing all the things that have changed.  My grandmother died, and I feel nothing.

Noticed that I'm not even mentioned in my senior yearbook. 

My life has been on hold since 2012, seems like it's over.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

re-evaluation

Original: John left me for a woman cause I couldn't give him what he wanted.
Revised: It was a learning experience at the time, but he couldn't give me what I needed.

Original: Randy abandoned me and I loved him
Revised: Randy did me a favor and let me go so I'd move on.

Original: Charles stopped being my friend after I felt him up while asleep.
Revised: It was a gradual process, but Charles flirted with me and I responded. Friendship isn't forever.

Original: I've come to realize just how selfish people can be...

Revised: Maybe its time I should be too.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

means something?

days bleed into each other.  Only the view from my window seems to change.

john has been living here for a year now...well his stuff is located here.  He spends most of his time with his girlfriends.  At least I have the dogs for company.  my circle of friends have greatly diminished.  Aside from John, I only talk to DeWayne outside of the game.

I still have issues with my sugar...sometimes I'm good with it, otherwise it seems like I have a death wish.  perhaps I've always had one.

from my rebellion in school, to my weight issues to having in faith in people that care nothing about me; can i ever escape this circle of repetition>

snow will be coming soon.  i think this means something.