typically me

Sometimes, usually late at night, I let my defenses down and allow myself to feel things.

Laying here with only the light of my laptop, fan blowing on me and listening to Sophie snore.  In moments like these, I can admit to just how lonely I am.  Eric's 'experimentation' with me whetted my appetite for intimacy.  In the last year, I've improved both my house, outlook and body,...but still not much has changed.

Losing so much weight and getting meds under control helped my self image and I thought, maybe now someone would find me attractive.  I've tried beuing less of a dickhead, tried applying a filter to my comments but I'm getting discouraged.  Eric hasn't seen me since March and the excuses are never ending.  I just stopped asking and now its weeks between contact - that being a few snarky comments.

I had this super cute guy deliver groceries to me today and it moved me to the point I posted an ad on craigslist under missed connections.  Got the typical weirdos replying but my stomach flipped when I got a possible real response.  Turned out it was some random guy hoping I was a desperate enough "ladie" to forgo the thought he replied to an ad not for him.

John's been staying with me for over a month now and I'm feeling a bit used.  He eats, showers and has clutter everywhere, but the movie buddy an occasional help with things make it tolerable.  The arguments between him and pyscho girlfriend have decreased a bit but they still put me on edge.  John's here all through the week but vacates on the weekends.

So thankful for my sunday game as it gives me something to do.  I just hope I don't fuck it up by saying/doing something typically me and offending them.

I wish someone new would come into my life, and show me it's worth still living.

Addon - got reply from craigslist.  "Your nasty. I was just doing my job"  Feeling down, but then I thought ' no real loss; he doesn't know the difference between your and you're'

summer

Tomorrow will mark two weeks without talking to Eric. He's not attempted contact and neither have I.

Solved the refrigerator issue by finding another on craigslist.

John is staying here awhile and arguing with his girlfriend almost nightly.

sigh, summer needs to end.

what we're given

My body is a cage
that keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

I'm standing on a stage
Of fear and self-doubt
It's a hollow play
But they'll clap anyway

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key

I'm living in an age
That calls darkness light
Though my language is dead
Still the shapes fill my head

I'm living in an age
Whose name I don't know
Though the fear keeps me moving
Still my heart beats so slow

We take what we're given
Just because you've forgotten
That don't mean you're forgiven

I'm living in an age
That screams my name at night
But when I get to the doorway
There's no one in sight

I'm living in an age
That laughs when I'm dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key
Set my spirit free
Set my body free

I started something and now I'm not too sure

I need to write something but I know this might be seen, so in my shame...and anger, I'll refrain from details.

You see, I promised myself that I wouldn't allow myself to be in a 'situation' again, but here I am in three.

Resentment is surfacing for someone I thought was over.  I romised myself that to hurt him would be easier than just suffering in silence.  Now I'm losing my desire to hurt further. The pain hasn't lessened ... just changed into something else; now I feel tainted. Is a promise to myself worth it?

I said I'd never fall for someone that couldn't desire me as much as I desired them, but here I am.  I see the signs and can make a decision, but do I want to?  I'm used to this.

And thirdly, like the old smiths song: "I started something, typical me...typical me, I started something and now I'm not too sure"

eric

Four months since I've seen Eric - My interest is fading. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfdbaS-vu00

John left Trish and moved back in - I've no interest
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ID4n9r3u_qw

Randy is silent - Interested only in hurting him

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-CUvbagiyI

News

I found out Raphael died last February 24th.  I was cleaning up messages in Facebook when I saw one from Larry Tindle.  I did'nt get it right away because I have him muted.

Not sure how I'm feeling about this.  I wanted him to die for so long because it would guarantee he'd never come slinking around to use or steal from me again. Yet I'm feeling the weight of ages: there's only three of us left that I know of.

I'm free of Raymond & Ralph now.

My cousin Mark has been on my mind lately,...I home its not an omen.

peace

I long for goodness and light, but some days...the weight of the past fills me with loathing. 

Getting flashes of how I've been disregarded, abused and forgotten.  I go outside and I see Adam talking to a guy he was planning on leaving me for, all the while making me believe we were solid.  John reading the personal ads in Nuvo right in front of me. Randy ghosting me. etc

I missed GenCon again this year.  Both money issues and my not wanting to be around people.  I feel hypocritical as I deride my mother for being a total recluse yet I find excuses not to do things. I miss the enjoyment of things...mostly the ability to just be in the moment. 

It's not all doom & gloom though.  I find peace with my babies or when I'm gaming.