lonely, I am

sometimes I wish I could furl myself up into such a tiny speck, indistinguishable from the other grains of sand. I'm continuously confronted with conflicting emotions and insincerity.

when I see xandrah's children, I am surrealistically aware of my age, of my being outside the flow of life. How I wish I could love her, be a part of a real family...and be a dad. I don't think it was ever meant for me though. None of it.

I saw pictures the other day of randy's children, and the home life they have. I find myself thinking of my childhood and how different it was. I used to spend the night with my cousin mark, being a part of that fantasy for a night, and if lucky, a weekend. This one picture of his children helping him sweep the leaves...I just kept looking at it and found myself crying.

I wasn't sure if I was feeling lonely because I never had that, or if it's because I've always loved randy.

I can't describe it. It doesn't feel like anything I've had before. I find myself trying to label it, to give some form to this unabated idea that lingers. It's not as if it's all consuming, more like water that flows and finds any route of escape from the container in which I try to capture it.

Everything just adds to the disenchantment that's consuming me. Cedric turned out to be like every cheating bastard I've known. He moved to Florida to be with his boyfriend, and was sneaking on the computer to talk to me. That in itself didn't really bother me as I was keeping it innocent...but when he abruptly left while we were talking, and later said he had to pretend he was playing on the wii. I haven't spoken to him since.

I spend my days toiling away at work and my nights recovering from the stress. Oh how I want to be supervisor. I think I have too much on my plate.

Working so much keeps me from remember just how fucking lonely I am.