whydoieventry

...I don't know how to feel.

he was here when I came home friday. as I turned the corner, his lanky form leaned against his white car. my eyes drank in his long neck and beautiful visage. i actually smiled.

the obligatory house tour and intros followed. before long, we lay together, exhausted by our sex. i felt immediately comfortable. aside from a stupid stunt which resulted in a fractured rib, the rest of the weekend was like that. everything about him was surrealistically familar and strange. as the end of the weekend approached, both my mental and phsyical pain increased.

what would I do when he left I wondered. i thought i had longer. he left late sunday night; trying to stay and kiss me longer, i pushed him away in fear of losing myself further.

i can openly say i love him with out hesitation now, but he doesn't want it. today, all was made clear. there will be no sudden understanding, no realization we need to be together, no return to love. and i wonder, what's wrong with me? everything falls apart. why do i even try?