bullets

thinking I might have dodged a bullet.

about two weeks ago, while surfing through the personal sites, I had a message from "Cookiecub" stating I had nice hands.  It was peculiar enough to elicit a reply.  Shortly after we were talking on the phone, with lots of common ground.

And then...the disclosure.  He wanted to meet, to which I advised I'm practically immobile and that I'd only been out of the hospital a couple of weeks.  He offered to make dinner for me. 

So I cleaned....well, apparently not good enough.  He came over, and I sensed there wasn't an immediate physical connection (like for mike lobel from Suck or Boys Who Say No) - on either part but I was willing to take time and see if one grew. Hell, I wasn't interested in Randy the first two years I knew him.

While sitting in my living room, complete with wound vac and my best seduction cd playing, I asked him what he was thinking.

He looked at the ceiling, rubbed his hands against his thighs and said "Ahhh, this is awkward, but I don't there there is any chemistry there.  We can still be friends"

I took it as 'You're too big' or 'I can't deal with you wounded' ...  Occaisonally I checked out this twitter account, and started seeing a pattern.  At one point, he's bemoaning being single, then stating how having a bf is over rated he's single forever. 

Then Sunday night, he asks if he can call me.  We connected again on the phone...but I started thinking....'He's desperate and more into the idea of having a relationship, doesn't matter with who'.  He starts pushing coming over that night and gets all sexual when I'd already stated I take things slow.

We talked until 4am, which wasn't conducive to productivity the next day.  Turns out the real reason he wanted to leave that night - he saw dust on a painting on my wall and said my house was filthy.  OCD much?

After coming home from physical therapy and dealing with heat, I had a migraine.  Brian tried to push coming over that afternoon and when I told him I was laying down from pain, he wouldn't let it go.  ...the he got an attitude with me.

...yeah.  I'm done. 

so after feeling as if I just dodged a manipulative, needy queen...Katie tells me that her husband, Aaron, wants to move to Fargo. 

I thought I'd feel a panic, like when Randy said he might move when he was still with Tobey, but nothing came.  Our friendship has mostly been through text, emails and the on again/off again sunday games.  It makes me sad that I don't have that connection with anyone anymore.  Have I become apathetic enough that I turned into that Cure song "In Fear of Ghosts"?

"The further away I get, from the things that I care about, ... the less I care about how much further away I get"

My days are quiet, I leave for physical therapy three times a week, and then my D&D game every other friday.  Only John and my mother come to see me.  John to do something I can not, like changing my air filter, and my mother to grocery shop.  If it wasn't for Sopha Fett, I'd feel more isolatged than I do.

I've got a crush on my DM - Erick.  Of course he's hetero and married, but damn...even the hair on his arms makes me think naughty thoughts.  And, me being me, I've not kept my mouth shut about it either.  He seems to take it in stride, and at this point, I'm keeping it totally on a fantasy level. 

I've got about 10 more weeks of unemployment left before it runs out.  That's my time limit for getting my foot healed enough so I can walk on it, get a job and get my shit together.  no pressure.