three weeks

Well, another ending approaches. Steven told me he is leaving for Nevada in about three weeks. I'm doing really well at not letting it show how much my heart is breaking. To most I'm all smiles, but I secret myself away and then the tears come.

The irony is that I know it's a good thing. He just won't stop using drugs and I'm unhappy the way things are. Am I doomed to always feel regret and sorrow?

He says that he wants to get his life cleaned up and have me fly out there in a few months. He wants me to see if I like Reno, enough to possibly move out there. Oh how I long to leave this place, but do I have the guts to do it? Am I just chasing a fleeting dream that's no more real than the fabrications of history I've created to keep people at a distance?

No one really knows me anymore...but I think Steven has seen most of it and it scares him. I think I'm too much for him.

I'm sitting here in the dark, as I usually am when I write such as this, tears glistening down my face, aching in my stomach and I'm fearful of the future. I have three weeks left to fill with memories. Three weeks spent in desperate need to not think.

Three weeks left.