my only happiness

Something inside is dying. Each time I give of myself, it's taken, devoured and shit out. I'm so, very tired of doing this.

When I was younger, I was taught that love was enough, that love would save us all. I think the moment of adulthood starts the moment you realize just how alone we all are. It hurts being around people in love, knowing they have forever...or they're conception of it anyway. My rage tightens my throat. "What about me!" I want to scream.

How much of me can I lose before losing myself entirely? Steven comes back on Monday but in my mind, he's already gone. I snooped on his email and saw that while insisting on his fidelity, he was initiating contact with guys over the internet and trading pics. We both said we'd stop, but I know we haven't.

My despair is overwhelming. My only happiness holding Steven in my arms and pretending he cares as much as I.