always be a broken girl

there are moments when you hear a song that so perfectly fits that singular moment. Katie made me a mixed cd and there's this song from She Wants Revenge on it.

I asked a girl to the pub last night, and was at once nervously anticipating it and hoping she wouldn't come. When the text came she wasn't, I smiled knowing he universe had aligned itself. I was still myself and resigned myself to dreaming of the boy I'll never have, going home alone and crying myself to sleep.

It wasn't always like this. My life has been so ... not mine since Raymond died. What the hell am I supposed to do with this lonliness? I see myself trying to hard to make them laugh. Someone asked me once how I always have a come back, I wish I could explain that I've hidden so long behind it that it's like driving on cruise control.

All those emotions I've suppresed have surfaced this year. I have to laugh that years after the fact, anger over steven and adam finally shows itself. Adam lied about my being his first, and steven just plain lied all the time. John has his expected life and here I am, ...always a broken girl.

I wish this love would diie, it's hurting me so much.