faith

strangely

2012-01-30T06:13:00.000-05:00

....strangely thinking about a boy named cedric today.

doubting

2012-01-26T04:27:00.000-05:00

i'm exhausted and can't sleep. feeling anxious, and on edge.

my friday night group is coming to my house this week, as we're trying to avoid the superbowl crowd coming to town. as is always the case, trying to impress two straight boys, i volunteered to cook lasagna. i thought to myself, well...i'm only taking two classes, how much strife can it cause?

now i'm concerned how clean my house is, how muddy it's getting with all the rain because right after cleaning, sophie tracks mud...etc. then there's chris...

my roomie is turning out to be quite the liar and thief.

incident one december:
chris paid me back after borrowing twenty dollars. i bought something minor and stuck the change in the sun visor on the driver's side. a few days later, when he and john were working on my car, chris volunteered that my car door was unlocked. i checked, and the only thing missing was the money.

incident two, right after christmas,
I had cash on me as a fluke. I stood in the kitchen and and sorted my cash by denomination, and placed it back in my wallet. about two hours later, we were going to order something, go to the store...dunno, but there was a reason for me getting in my wallet. some cash was missing. i looked in the kitchen, pants....anywhere i'd been. i knew exactly how much was missing. then chris said he 'found' it by the microwave, and that my old ass had probably just laid it there. ...when sorting my money, i was standing on the other end of the kitchen; chris was the one by microwave.

incident three, a few days ago.
again, had cash on my from chris paying rent. i laid a fiver on my computer desk to remind me to give to him as he'd overpaid and we didn't have change. nevermind that i'd bought him pop, milk, and other little items. later that day, he was on the computer and I remembered the five bucks. when i came in the room, it was gone. i asked him about it and he said he'd not seen it. after explaining that I was going to give it to him, he then admitted he just grabbed it, because I owed it to him. and wasn't going to say anything cause it was only five bucks.

it was at this point, i put it together.

tonight, i went into his room.
there was his pony tail that he's told everyone he donated to cancer patients.
there were the forks laying on the floor after he said he'd looked for them
there was the bottle of lotion he claimed he threw away because it cracked and was leaking

what to do.

randy has expressed interest in joining my sunday game, but requested that we not play every sunday. why is it that even agreeing with that, i feel contrary? for the past few days, i sat and tried to explore if there's any feelings left for him...i can't remember the answers if there were any.

the situation with john is strange. he's hinting more and more at money issues, all passive agressive like. whatever obligation i felt i had for him, paid in full.

so....there is probably the reasons for my current state. i'm doubting.

my beloved

2012-01-21T06:49:00.000-05:00

It's colder than before

The seasons took all they had come for
Our winter dance is here
It seems so fitting don't you think?
To dress the ground in white and grey

It's so quiet I can hear
My thoughts touching every second
That I spent waiting for you
Circumstances afford me
No second chance to tell you
How much I've missed you

My beloved do you know
When the warm wind comes again
Another year will start to pass

And please don't ask me why I'm here
Something deeper brought me
Than a need to remember

We were once young and blessed with wings
No heights could keep us from their reach
No sacred place we did not soar

Still, greater things burned within us
I don't regret the choices that I've made
I know you feel the same

My beloved do you know
How many times I stared at clouds
Thinking that I saw you there

These are feelings that do not pass so easily
I can't forget what we claimed as ours

Moments lost though time remains
I am so proud of what we were
No pain remains, no feeling
Eternity awaits

Grant me wings that I might fly
My restless soul is longing
No pain remains, no feeling
Eternity awaits

in my sleep

2012-01-12T00:08:00.000-05:00

mortality. for some time now, the thoughts of my impending death has visited me more often than the sweet comforts of youth. the realization that my life is over the half way mark has become unescapable. My health doesn't have that bounce back ability it used to. I feel the pressure of my weight more with each day, and my legs constantly swell.

I think about what would happen to Sophie if I should pass. Then I think about the pain I'll go through when she passes, and she's only 2 years old. My mind drifts to getting another companion puppy, but then I wonder if she'd be jealous.

Later, I think of all my friends who have spouses, children....and how they won't be alone when they get old. When I was younger, my grandparents has several friends that scared me. They sat in old houses/apartments, all alone with their ruined leather chairs, ratty couches and televisions. No one came to visit, or they had no children. I so much don't want to end up alone, but I think it's our destiny.

I wonder how I will die. I hope it's peaceful, and in my sleep.

dream

2012-01-10T06:45:00.000-05:00

afraid I might wake from this dream.

the past few weeks, although surreal, have left me very content. it seems I've got my dnd group back, my friendship with chris is solidifying, i'm enthusiastic about school, and I've made internal peace with john, diane and my mother.

I started running smuggler's shiv sunday, and I sat for a moment, looking at the people sititng around me. here was my past...all 20 years of it. there were two people missing, but yesteray, one of them epressed an interest in joining.

right now. I have nothing to be sad about..it's a dream.

sleep comes down.

2011-12-30T03:11:00.000-05:00

"must have been asleep for days".....the cure

I think i've been awake a total of 10 hours since tuesday. The guys came over and created characters, and we're trying to play on sundays so katie can play. I hope it works out, just miss her smiled and fiendish pixieishness.

John's wife has been out of town all week, and he came over to watch Columbiana Christmas day. Midway through the movie, it stopped so I tried burning it as a regular dvd. While waiting, I started rubbing on john's nether parts, and he came.   Um...so much for my sorta scheduled event.   I don't know why i initate sex with him, then want to quite because i'm not into it.   I don't really feel like i'm into sex at all anymore. Most of time, I just immerse myself in music and 'feeling' .....something.

I've had too much time to think while on this break from school. It's really sank in how alone, .....scratch, scratch....how utterly alone we really are. My mother is selfish and will never be there for me.   I don't have anyone special in my life....and then i started worrying what if something happens to me, what about sophie.   argh.

I'm having to reteach myself basic algebra so that I can at least qualify to take the intermediate class. I've got 18 lessons that need completed by next tuesday at 5:30.

I feel so friggin huge.   maybe I should go back to sleep.

review

2011-12-25T06:08:00.000-05:00

it's been a year of loss, and a year of discovery.

I lost my dear shadow this year. She was fourteen and my sweet, sweet little baby. I remember how she fit in my palm the night we rescued her. I had to feed her with a bottle and keep her close to my heart for warmth. Her death affected me diffferently than Euks....not less, just differently.

I lost one of my best friends this year. We just drifted apart it seems, or maybe the friendship couldn't take the pressure of uncontrolled emotions, or maybe it was just our differences could no longer be hidden.

I also lost something I held very dear...My dungeons and dragons interest. It took eight months before I could even plaly again. Had to be with completely new people. It's still not the same as when I was younger, and that I miss the most.

I'm feeling really, really old and just tired. I'm feeling the weight of the world upon me, and although I fear death...somedays I can think of nothing more.

I discovered that I can go back to school, and do reasonably well. I also discovered that I can let go of anger, that I can say no....and that I am allowed to take revenge on dirty little lying faggots that hurt me many years ago.

I also realized how selflish everyone really is, especially my mother. She lies to herself, twists things so that the responsibility falls on other people, then removes herself from situations. I pray so much that I'm not nor will be like her.

and I discovered that all things pass. A tiny part stays with you, but things pass. and most importantly, when you are empty, that makes room for something new.

2011-12-24T02:27:00.000-05:00

...christmas. and I"m feeling good.

put to the test

2011-12-13T00:07:00.000-05:00

Long, quiet weekend. I must confess, that I sorta miss Ralph....or rather, miss having someone to do something with. Chris and I really don't have much in common and without Ralph to bitch about, I'm finding I'm not really interested in anything he has to say. It's all excuses or rationalizations anyway.

Here it is, nine months after the explosion with friends and things haven't changed much. I drove all the way to Randy's house a few months ago, only to watch a movie and not talk very much. Sitting there, I felt the distance between us, and was actually glad when I found an oppurtunity to exit. Katie though, was pleasant when we met at Steak and Shake. Alas, not really heard form either of them except for the occasional tweet.

Last night, I asked a simple question concerning the future of our friendships, gaming....etc. No answer was given by Randy, but in and of itself, it was the answer I thought. Honestly, if we're not gaming, or drinking....what have we ever done together? Katie's promised to do something after Christmas...

So, without negativity, it's become obvious that I'm holding on to strings.

Another mini semester of school is ending. I didn't apply myself as much as I should. I'd like to provide excuses but ulimately, I was lazy. My money worries have mostly gone away, just waiting to see what the government is going to do about the federal extension. Because I had to reapply due to my working last March, i'm still on the regular unemployment offered by the state. If the extension is given, I'm sure it'll last until I'm done with school.

I've got the first part of my A+ certification test wednesday morning. So far, most of my class has passed, and i'm afraid, unrationally of course, that I'll be the fluke and fail it. It doesn't affect my grade at all, and I can retake the test the next day....but I fear failing. My ability to retain knowledge and learn fairly quickly without much effort is being put to the test.

My mother is moving in with my grandmother. I think it's a bad idea...but we'll see.

Release

2011-12-03T00:33:00.001-05:00

Ah. Things finally came to head with the roommate situation tonight. In essence, raphael is gone....but some of his stuff is still on my porch.

Since he moved in October 17th, he's slowly been trying to take over and get me to kick out my other roommate Chris. I'd called Ralph the day Chris and I got into a huge fight and he threatened to move out on me. I did ask Ralph for help, but when I called him after class, he was no where to be found. I figured I was safe, realizing the mistake I'd made.

Then one day, a few weeks later, Ralph just walked up in my house. He needed a place to stay and as things were better with Chris, they were still iffy. He stayed a few days while I mulled the idea over and must confess, I was impressed that he was into cleaning my house adamantly. It wasn't until after I'd agreed to his staying here, the adamant became obsessive compulsive.

I'm ashamed to say that Ralph was selling his Sumoxone (a drug given to opiate addicts to help them get off the stuff) for rent. Many, many nights there I sat on a darkened street while he ran into some house. When I found out he was selling drugs, I stopped.
Little conversations were being carried between everyone. Ralph's voluntarily making my bed, doing my laundry and cleaning turned into his telling Chris that I did nothing and used him like a maid. I'd get maybe $100 rent one week, but then my food bill increased because Ralph ate more than me. Or I agreed to take him to the doctor to find it was all the way at 56th street, followed by his offering to 'buy' me food from a fast food place (which was really him getting free food by complaining that a previous and nonexisting order was messed up), and finally with him expecting me to buy cigarettes too.

This last month has been hell with the holidays approaching. What I blew off at first, started getting to me. Then the major shit started; Chris told me thing Ralph said that rang with truth, otherwise he wouldn't have known. Ralph's also been telling people I was his man.

Ralph asked Chris to leave me dry and both of them move into this house down the street. Ralph started wearing drag clothes around the house to try and entice Chris. ...was even laying on the couch in a teddy with pink panties when Chris's girlfriend came over.

Then...Ralph has been giving me stupid little gifts, trumpting up how much they cost because he's expecting jewelery for Christmas. Um...yeah. So yesterday, Ralph has a thuggy black guy and a drunken ass white guy over to my house with asking, then asked the white guy to work on my car as part of my christmas gift. The guy replaced an air filter and Ralph said he was paying the guy 50 bucks and a case of beer. oho...later last night, I was to buy the case of beer. lol

so....around 2am, Chris tells me Ralph is gone and the front door was open. After telling him to lock the dead bolt, I felt a little guilty and then went to sleep on the couch in case he came back. At seven this morning, I woke up and he still wasnt home and no phone call.

This afternoon, I was looking for a dvd I'd gotten from Netflix and went on the porch to look for it. I discovered that my portable dvd player he was using, (btw, he insisted on making the front porch his bedroom) was missing, and I found empty condom packages.

He called around 4pm to say he'd be home in an hour, was at the hospital. I'd decided that if he couldn't produce the dvd player, he was out, but he said he'd taken it with him.

He shows up around 6 with a ton of clothes, mcdonalds and whooops, left my $100 backlit keyboard in his ride's car. (I've been told about the keyboard and how much it cost for a week now, but something always seems to happen). He's in a mood, talking non stop. I interrupted to tell him not to leave like that again and leave the door unlocked. Ralph turned it into Chris's fault, or rather tried....and they started arguing.

Ralph was trying to provoke Chris into hitting him. My door to the computer room is broken, and shouts of crackhead, liar, thief, worthless...wear dancing in the air. Apparently Raphael claimed he called Chris's old job at Radio Shack and said he was fired. That was creepy.

Then...after a few minutes of my tuning them out, Chris threatens to call the cops. Ralph looks at me, and goes "Rob, either you kick him out ... tonight, or I"m going to turn on you with the stuff I've got in this little book"

snap.

"Let me get this right, you're threatening me?" I asked in the dead tone I get when you've just stepped way over the line. And he was ignorant enough to confirm it, and even add.

I looked him dead in the face and said "I need you to leave". His face crashed like the windshield of a horrible drunk driving crash..

He then called his lowlife stepfather, the one who Ralph threatened to turn into the IRS just two weeks ago, and told him to come get him. That I was kicking him out like he knew I would, and that I was 'letting' Chris talk to him like shit.

Then...reality set in a bit. He started crying. This only pissed me off further, and I started separating his clothes from mine in the laundry room so he wouldn't take any of mine.

He comes in sniffling, and asks me if that's what I'm doing. He whispers "You're killing me", to which I replied..."Not fast enough"

I locked him on the front porch with all of his stuff, and then went to sit alone for a bit. He eventually just left the porch to go down the street and try calling me. He left a message that his stepfather couldn't come to get him because he was drinking (imagine) and he needed a ride to his mom's. lol.

I told Chris to lock the deadbolt.

So, raphael will have to arrange a time to get his clothes when it's convenient for me. And i'm putting them in the yard..

There's a sated little evil thing inside of me, that's reveling in the revenge for what he's done to me. He's now had a taste of what life without drugs is, and has been expelled from my eden. I hope this drives him to do crack and die.

I'm feeling ..... released.

what's a girl to do

2011-11-21T04:30:00.000-05:00

I don't know what to do. I'm losing sleep.

Ralph is sleeping on my front porch and it worries me. I keep waiting for something major to happen. At first, he was cleaning obsessively, now he just sleeps about 16 hours a day. When he does pay me, he turns right around and asks for some back or I end up spending it on food. He eats all the time, and mopes around. Worse, there's this expectation that I'm taking care of him and every day is another different story on his transplant and/or money.

Then, he's giving me all his insulin, and the house is very clean. He's also companionship when I'm feeling lonely. Especially since my old friends deemed me unacceptable. He's also insurance if Chris moves out, which considering his jeep needs a new transmission now, isn't happening or awhile. My house payment got dropped down to 187 per month, so that helps alot...but unemployment hasn't been extended beyond January 3rd, so I feel like I need to hold on to any source of income to finish school.

School has stressed me out. I'm behind in Access and feel like I'm squeaking by in VB and A+ eventhough I'm sitting on a low A in each. And then there's Chris, he's so insistant that I get Ralph out of here, but since that day he went all crazy on me, I will find it hard to ever trust him again. He's too shifty.

sigh. what's a girl to do

again.

2011-11-18T05:15:00.000-05:00

ultimately, we all die alone.

attended the viewing of my stepfather rex yesterday. i've always thought my mother hated him, but know I realize it's just our ability to distance ourselves from emotion. at one point, we were standing at the coffin, and she turned to me...eyes watering. the weight of all the years shown on her face.

I met the only siblings I've ever known, and feel guilty that I didn't really ever know them. I wondered how things would be different if I'd had.

it's been ten months since randy, katie and I were in a room together. I think another part of the truth has set upon me; randy wanted out of the friendship too, and used it as an oppurtunity to avoid wrath. and worse, I think I embraced the moment to create sorrow for myself, because that's how I"m truly complete.

so, here I sit at 5am, wide awake. no real money worries, and thinking about raymond, eukas...and all those both known dead or departed somehow, and .... when is my time.

will I see them again.

tortured soul

2011-10-31T22:39:00.000-04:00

another huge fight with ralph. this time because he expects me to buy things for him. it started with a surprise stop at long's bakery, and we got a dozen donuts. they were on sale, so i had four dollars left in cash (they don't accept cards). so i gave him the four bucks to get these brownies and he looked at me as if i should have known better....then goes "but, i need cigs"

then, at menards, he kept trying to put things in the cart for me to buy, even when i said no. i just walked out of the store, and he had the nerve to ask me if i was mad over a dollar. i screamed that he's not my wife....then drove home in silece. so shitty that i left the donuts in the car.

then inside, i found out he's been telling chris all kinds of shit like the reason he stole my identity and dvds was that i owed him 30k and was about to kick him out. sigh.

so it looks like i'm going to have to ask hiim to leave, and i know it's not going to be easy.

in other news, school is kicking my ass. seems like all i do anymore is homework, eat, sleep and shit. i keep feeling like i'm only retaining about 40% of the material but getting A's in all the classes.

through all this though, my sensitivity to art and music has increased. maybe being a tortured soul is my forte.

dark blister

2011-10-24T01:08:00.000-04:00

What the hell have I done?

Two weeks ago, when Chris told me he was going to move out, I panicked and called Ralph. I broke down and asked him for his help. Later that night, he disappeared and was no where to be found. Oh well I thought, best he stay that way.

Then one day after class, he shows up at my house...just walks in because Chris leaves the door open. Long story short, he's now living with me. OMG, he's practically taken over by reaaranging everything. He says he's clean, but no one stays up almost 48 hours, doesn't eat for the first half of that and isn't on something. To make things worse, he's been selling his prescription drugs to pay me money for rent.

Aside from the bullshit, I'm finding I can't stand him anymore, he's.....so shallow and uninteresting.

So what's us gonna do? For now, all i can do is sit and soak up money to get some things accomplished/fixed. oh...and there's a dark blister spot on my big toe which has me worried.

lost.

2011-10-11T03:39:00.000-04:00

Surrounded by autumn, caressed by chilly winds and thoughts of friends, lovers and things long past.

I finally saw Randy Saturday. It wasn't awkward, intense or eventfull, and I'm disappointed it was not. I was hoping for some revelation that we were still very much good friends, or that some satisfaction was achieved by how they'd treated me. The closest it got to being mentioned, was by his little girl Jordan.

She asked why I'd not been over in a very, very long time, and why I wasn't there the night before with Katie. I didn't offer an answer, and neither did he. I talked to him a little about the star wars game and he's interested, but in joining my existing game, not something separate.

So, let me get this straight. I get kicked out of the game I created, with people I kept together when they left or got angry with each other at various times, only to find that Randy took over running DND, the game is on hiatus, and now he want's to join what I scraped together anew?

I sent an email to Scott, DeWayne and John asking about their thoughts on his joining, out of curiosity...of course Scott was against it. He says it's because of what he knows about Randy and what happened to me, but I"m quite sure it's about his control issues. There I was, actually considering letting Randy in again, just like that....still compromising myself.

I think I lost that feeling for them, and I'm not sure if I can get it back.

argh

2011-10-08T02:24:00.000-04:00

I sat back in my new comfy computer chair today, closed my eyes and just listened to the silence caressing me. Tiny hairs danced on my arm from the ever spinning ceiling fan; Sophie shifted at my feet. For the moment, all was peaceful.

It's been three days since the blow up with Chris and no words. I was about to post some of the Bullshit but you know what, I'm not. I refuse to give him any power.

Homework weekend. Finished my last journal entries for my seminar class, and started working on the two databases. I've still got to write my persuasive speech, and i've chosen Why you should turn to the darkside"

Slept most of day, which means I'll be up most of the night. argh. :) goodtimes.

Got To Go!

2011-10-05T23:10:00.000-04:00

I've come to the conclusion that my room mate is either bi polar or schizophrenic. No Joke.

At first, I noticed that his energy level was so high that he couldn't stop pacing, or he'd lay lethargic like a dead ferret. Then the abuse started. In retrospect, I now see the signs. He's tried to alienate me from talking to my friends, deride me for seeing John and attempted to make me doubt my sanity.

Lies started. He's very vocal about his Bachelor's Degree in Anthropology, but if you look at his resume, or any of his online profiles, like Linked In, it clearly states his highest education level is high school.

He's volunteered to do things like rip the carpet up from the dining room for free, then later throw it up in my face. He's bragged about his sexual prowess, the size of his cock and then tells me he's felt uncomfortable with my saying anything to him of a gay nature. Um, yeah.

Things came to a head about a week ago. We got into an argument with his bringing in non related shit - stating that I needed therapy, and my friends were so stupid that's why they tolerated me. Then, that he was tired of doing all the work around the house, with my getting the credit.

WTF? I asked him about about it and he listed that he's cleaned the bathroom twice, takes the trash out and that he's cleaned his room. Um...isn't cleaning your own room part of your own shit? Then he bitched about our having mice, when he leaves plates with food on them, sitting on the floor around his bed. ....whatever.

Then, my mother asks him to do some floor work for her. We did that last saturday and I didn't hear from her until yesterday. Not only did he fuck up the job so badly she's having to repay to have it done, he lied right to her face about it when she asked questions.

Since he's been here, my big tv has broke (hes been playing xbox on it at least 8 hrs per day), the door handle on my screen broke (he openly stated it was John, but when I asked john, he said he didn't do it but thought he saw chris throwing in the bushes. john lies, but not about things like that)...drinking glasses are missing, ....and my dog died in the same room that he was cooking in.

In this arguement, he said he felt like hitting me, then slammed the door as he went to his room. The next day, he offered for me to take the directv box in his room and put it in mine, since he never watches it, and I couldn't watch my recorded shows.

Yesterday, after finding out my unemployment was being reduced by forty bucks per week, I asked Chris what his thoughts were on having the gas bill put in his name, so I could avoid a 400 past due bill and get gas on immediately, instead of next week. He totally flipped stating he wanted to move out, that he was going to sue me for sexual harrassment, and that I needed therapy. He continued with how he was talking to lawyers, etc.

Crazy is as Crazy does.

So...after school, my mother wanted to meet me at Steak and Shake. She told me about how he fucked up the job. I told her my problems, and she gave me some money to pay the past due amount now. Just waiting for the balance to clear then I can request it to be turned on again.

I had a star wars game last night and Chris came home, walked straight to his room. It was obvious to scott that something was wrong, so we talked after the game.

Today, he's pretty much avoided me. But it's become very clear, he's got to go. Yes I'm a little afraid right now, but I"m more afraid of giving into that fear and letting him rule.

just keep swimming.

2011-09-30T00:07:00.000-04:00

Picked up Shadow's ashes today after school. It was strange how numb I feel. I feel a little guilty that I'm not reacting to her death as I did with Eukas. To think I'll never get to feel how soft her fur was in my hands, or hold her next to me and make her safe. She's in a better place now, I really do believe that. I envision a large meadow with littly yellow flowers, she and eukas chasing butterflies and waiting for me. One day.

Things have progressed with my roomie where I really wouldn't mind if he'd move out. I found out some things he's posted about me on facebook, all the while being friendly to my face. Oh well...lesson learned I guess.

Just keep swimming.

Coming up on the end of my first 8 week semester, finals coming soon. Got solid A's going in all classes. Two of my instructions are difficult though, one is a micro manager and the other is so non interested in teaching that we've only had one full class.

I'm not longer doing my grandmother's check book and that gives me no obligation to be around her. I think I'll go see her this weekend just for fun. Maybe take a tyler perry movie over to her.

possibly seeing randy this saturday night, but katie can't come. missing them.

Just keep swimming.

Shadow

2011-09-27T10:42:00.000-04:00

"She is my other eye that can see above the clouds;
my other ear that hear above the winds.
She is the part of me that can reach out into the sea.
She has told me a thousand times over that I am her reason for being;
by the way she rests against my leg;
by the way she thumps her tail at my smallest smile;
by the way she shows her hurt when I leave without taking her.
(I think it makes her sick with worry when she is not along to care for me.)

When I am wrong, she is delighted to forgive.
When I am angry, she clowns to make me smile.
When I am happy, she is joy unbounded.
When I am a fool, she ignores it.
When I succeed, she brags.
Without her, I am only another man. With her, I am all-powerful.
She is loyalty itself.
She has taught me the meaning of devotion.
With her, I know a secret comfort and a private peace.
She has brought me understanding where before I was ignorant.
Her head on my knee can heal my human hurts.
Her presence by my side is protection against my fears of dark and unknown things.
She has promised to wait for me... whenever... wherever - in case I need her.
And I expect I will as I always have.
She is my dog."

missing you baby.

beauty

2011-09-20T03:41:00.000-04:00

reverberated strumming of guitar playing through computer speakers
ambient glow of monitor hastening deterioration of eyes
sweet, male voice begins to vocalize internal feelings shared.

listenting to Raised by Swans - North of Light's End

Week 5 of first semester of school. So far doing well in all of my classes but one of my teachers isn't up to the task. He's cut class short twice so he could go to another job, and wasn't here last week at all. Today we were to have a make up glass, he didn't show until after half an hour....as we were almost to our cars.

My grandmother is showing the beginning signs of dementia. She can't seem to remember things we've told her several times and it breaks my heart watching her fade. Will that happen to me and would I care then? It's both horrifying yet strangely narcotic to think about returning to the bliss of ignorance. No one will be there for me then, I am quite certain.

Katie and I met for lunch Saturday and it went smoothly, but I still feel....like everything has changed. It's not an uncomfortable feeling, just...I'm so exhausted of feeling angry, hurt and betrayed. and even more tired of feeling like it was just desserts. I miss randy so fucking much.

I got to run a game of Star Wars for Scott, DeWayne and John last friday. It felt really good having my boys sitting at a table again.

The weather today was grey and rainy. Ultimate Beauty.

alot

2011-09-05T05:19:00.000-04:00

Autumn is here, I feel it.

Something I sought, and as usual, i'm full of reflections upon the current, and all things that could have been.

Second week of school is done, and i'm still amazed at how suddenly time is flowing appropriately. The last year seems to be a blur, but the past two weeks burn vividly. There's only one thing more pressing upon me, but I've spoken of it too much.

God I miss DnD.

I miss them.

alot

deleted.

2011-08-30T04:39:00.000-04:00

4:30am

coughing and my right foot is hurting. drinking some tea, which is helping my throat but the foot is an ever present reminder of how much i've let myself go. I can't even walk from the class building to my car in the parking lot across the street, without taking a couple of breaks.

something has to be done.

had yet another heartbreak saturday. been waiting on randy to decide about vampire. asked him a few months back if we could at least do that, since it didn't require anyone else. he said he was busy and if i found someone else, he'd be interested. enter stage left, chris. we've got a character made, and while waiting on his decision...i discover that not only is he playing dnd with them, he's also playing vampire.

something has to be done.

i don't know why i kept going to her twitter page. curiosity? glutton for punishment? could be that i partly miss her, and looking to rekindle the anger to overcome any weakness in resolve. i deleted the link.

twatting

2011-08-24T04:20:00.001-04:00

Carpet's pulled in dining room, and floor stripped. Chris is going to sand the floor and then we'll varnish. It's going to be so pretty, not to mention smell way better.

It's driving me crazy that all of my furniture is in the living room though. couple that with my transition back to school, adjustment to a new roomie and there's a recipe for disaster.

...now, my roomie. He's a 27 yr old that know's it all. He claims to have an iq over mensa standards, a photographic memory and can fix anything, but his car still isn't fixed, can't remember to turn lights out and get's distracted when his phone tweets.

I'm already inclined to detest anyone that states how good they are at anything, much less doing the whole Twatting thing.

interesting times

last night of freedom

2011-08-22T01:05:00.000-04:00

Last night of freedom spent moving furniture so increasingly irritating roommate can pull carpet tomorrow and start to redo floor. So far I've little faith in his abilities, as his car still isn't running, and he's forgetful of many things.

We almost got in a real argument today. He's very contrary on everything I say; it's almost like talking to john. Speaking of which, he's been helping me with my car alot lately, and his wife is getting mad I'm not paying him for each 'house call' Maybe that's because I paid the first time and expected it to be done correctly then.

I've got a bit of an attitude due to roomie's straight bitchiness and some of the bullshit I've had to deal with this week.

Speech Class tomorrow.

nostalgia

2011-08-17T09:03:00.000-04:00

I got accepted into the accelerated program at Ivy Tech; I just hope money works out so I can complete it. I've had car issues this past few days, to which John, my beloved John, came to the rescue yet again.

Sometimes, when I let the anger go, and I'm sitting alone on a morning such as this, I think about him. How we were then, and I miss him. I'll never be completely out of love with him.

I haven't seen Randy in over a month.

I've got a new friend/roomie named Chris. He can be annoying, and annoyingly funny.

big changes.

2011-08-05T13:20:00.000-04:00

Big Changes

Sitting here in the vending area of Ivy Tech waiting for my testing to commence. Just met with Chris, my soon to be roomie. He's pretty cool, has a lot of qualities I find, um....interesting in guy; pray for me.

My money shituation has calmed down a bit, dare I say things are looking brighter withing tempting the deities that be to punish my offense of optimism?

It's been really hot lately, like record hot. My poor AC unit is working it's ass off. My house hasn't been this clean in years. And to get it that way, well, let's just say I'm scarred enough it won't happen again.

Randy and I talk occasionally, but still have not met. I can accept that our friendship is fading now. We'll continue for awhile, but then the calls/text will more sporadic, then we'll maybe meet once around the holidays and then no more. My cyber stalking KT has dwindled, no longer interested in what she's doing. Whenever I feel the pain of missing her, I remind myself what she did and it fades. I know there's more that went on than I know because randy still hasn't invited me over to his house. Thouse okay, my regards to them all.

Hmmm...five minutes til check in time, and now my stomach want's to growl. I've only got 20's or I'd buy something from the vending machine.

For the first time in a very, very long time. I'm .... feeling happy.

the person I can be.

2011-08-03T05:02:00.003-04:00

Well, I'm halfway through this process to get back in school. Thus far I've completed the drug test, the first of three placement tests, and two of the three interviews. I have a more comprehensive placement test on Friday and have been studying for the math portion...ahhh. Pemdas memories.

After I receive my scores, the last that I now of, is to do this boot camp thing kinda like American Idol. There are only 20 positions but about 40 of us vying for a place. I hope I do well.

Been kinda worried about money as i'm behind in house payments. But I've got a couple of plans in the works that will help me with that. One of which is getting another roomie.

Aside from that, trying to get through the hottest summer in a hundred years, dealing with anger and resentment of my lost friends, and trying to be the best person I can be.

elegia

2011-07-03T04:01:00.000-04:00

tears fall heavy like rain. it's been a year since my ook died. I haven't been affected until about a few hours ago.

Still, no sound comes forth when i scream for her. I'm lost without her and I don't think I can find my way back.

Do I Dare Hope

2011-07-02T01:30:00.000-04:00

I grew up with my grandparents on the poorer eastside of Indianapolis. Some of my earliest memories are having been made to feel as if I'm not good enough, even in my family. I had two aunts and two cousins; one which was close and age and my encouraged rival.

I always knew my mother had given me to my grandparents, but whenever addressed, all was hush and given with a conspriational look. I last saw my father on Christmas when I was 8. I remember getting batman underoos more than him.

Holidays were strange to me. My aunt Diane was my best friend then, a surrogate mother...and my first discovery of how fickle people can be. Christmases brought a kind of joy only children can fully embrace, but I still recall trepidation of the event. My rival, cousin Mark, whome would always get something similar to me giftwise, always had to have a little bit more. One year we both got Atari's, but he also got three extra games.

This would be a pattern for several years to come.

In retrospect, my grandmother, always present....was overly protective and sometimes tyrannical. My first taste of freedom ocurred when my aunt Diane moved out and I got the upstairs room. It was three times as large, and most importantly, it had a door with a lock. The Brooding Room, how I spent so many hours lying there, dreaming of escape, of my life ahead and of love.

My dreams imprisoned me as I soon realized that different feeling I've always had, was true. After my first kiss with a boy, it became immediately clear I had a life full of strife and isolation before me. And if I forgot, my grandmother was there to remind me.

Maybe it's because I became more aware, or that secrets started leaking, but the general ambience of my family began to crack. My aunt Diane was in an abusive relationship with an asshole named Phil and she lost herself, taking on his personna. My uncle Johnny killed himself, thus disrupting that family unit I so envied of my two cousins. My mother moved further away from me, both physically and emotionally.

...and as my grandfather was having yet another affair, new to me, I discovered that he used to beat my grandmother. All through this, I got larger and larger, on a daily diet of fattening food and bitterness.

I now know and understand the reasons behind many of the events, but they shaped my understanding of the world, and relationships in general. My first best friend, Charles, disappeared on me after he discovered I was gay. My first kiss, Rodney, experimented and then disappeared as well.

Anyone can leave, at any time and without even giving an excuse. So, I found two friends I couldn't get rid of even with disease and treachery. We were so young then. It was here that I learned the power of lies and treachery. Time and time again, it was impressed on me the value of isolation and guarding one's true emotions.

When I was sixteen, someone broke into my grandmother's house and destroyed all of my things. That christmas, my Aunt's asshole boyfriend took a sledgehammer to my car in front of witnesses. Nothing was done...nothing until I came home and was given forty dollars; which happened to it's worth to the junkyard. I never really dared to have anything after that.

The family was fighting: My mother was dealing with bullshit from her marriage to a younger guy, my aunt Diane going through that 'break up, get back together hell' that only obsessive couples can do, and my Aunt Teresa got married to a liar and user, thus leaving her sons to fend for themselves. My older cousin Randy, never the social type, moved in.

I began to...evolve. Black became my chosen color as it expressed my mood. I started cutting myself to release pain I couldn't vent, and I could only feel anger, saddness or a love so obsessive that I ached.

Then my grandfather had his heart attack, and began to change. As he got better and realized his own mortality, he began to change as only one at the end can do. The problem is that my grandmothers pain had never been addressed. Now she was responsible for both his and my care.

It was then that she began to start trouble. I smile writing that because the words seem too simple to explain the web of deceit that's been spinned between us. Threats and ultimatums flew faster than the everchanging seasons. I immersed myself in my friends and escaped with D&D.

Through gaming, I met John...and to escape the hell that was State street, I started spending nights at his house. I was told I couldn't come home in March of 1994. By that time, I was completely in love with John and we'd just started our tragic relationship. But I tasted freedom again.

Through these years I devoted myself to John and The Relationship. I put that in caps because it was an entity to itself. It was so important, that I lost sight of myself...and it was filled the same with lies.

I removed myself from most family involvment. As my mother was going through her divorce, I discovered the dark secret that made her emotionally unvailable. My Aunt left her asshole boyfriend to find another and my other aunt teresa discovered her husband was a cheap user, had the subsequent divorce followed by a heart attack.

Things happened so fast. John and I split in the exact way I feared, Raymond died and Raphael racked up several thousand dollars using my identity. My grandfather finally died, leaving my grandmother alone for the first time in almost 50 years.

and in her lonliness, she began to spread her bitterness like so much molasses. I stopped going to holidays, and I'm afraid it influenced my mother to as well.

Now, my aunt diane has married what seems like a good guy. He has to be to put up with her mouth. My aunt teresa has adopted her eldest randy back into her life. They bought a house and has him living in the basement. My mother has been hurt so many times that she lives alone and doesn't let anyone get close to her.

me, well, I've had a few short relationships since John. And I've had what I thought were great friendships. Apparently, I'm just discovering that I'm so fucked up in the head, no one wants to be with me for any period of time. The pattern of disappearances, lies and short romances can't be ignored.

While talking with my mother Thursday. It's now obvious, all of this self hate, self deception and the inability to trust stems from my grandmother.

Are we doomed forever or do I dare hope there can still be love for me?

again

2011-06-28T02:37:00.000-04:00

Friday
"And now it comes to it at last. You will give me the One Ring freely! In place of the Dark Lord, you will set up a Queen, and I shall not be dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night. Fair as the Sea and the Sun and the Snow upon the Mountain...all shall love me and despair!"

Sunday
‎'I pass the test', she said. 'I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel.' "

I feel at peace now. In then end, I couldn't be the thing everyone believes me to be. With or without him, I retain myself. I've pretty much slept since he left, I don't honestly think I'll every play dnd again.

curse

2011-06-23T02:44:00.002-04:00

I said goodbye to my best friend today. ...through a text message because he's disappeared on me.

I quoted a line from a beatles song, In My Life.

...I loved you most of all.

thanks katie, from the deepest part of me, I curse thee. whatever pain, torment and torture befalls you, you deserve it.

phoenix

2011-06-18T05:47:00.000-04:00

good news today.

Monday I attend an orientation for this program through the state. My friend Joe told me about it. It's federal funded and for unemployed or underemployed people to return to school and get an accelerated associates degree. The program I'm targeting is for computer support including the A+ certification.

There are some hoops I'll have to jump through but it's understandable. After that, I have to take a placement test. Ick, gotta review some algebra in prep. I didn't prep when I took the test for IUPUI and could only get basic math. I should've paid more attention in school.

Afert applying, then I've got a few meetings with people determining placement. The part that worries me is the two and a half day team building exercise to see how you work with others. um....yeah. but it's gotta be done to get what I want.

and I want this. I want something i can be proud of. I want to be reborn.

but then

2011-06-16T04:18:00.000-04:00

Today was not so bad. Some days are better than others, especially if I've distractions; currently that being Bioshock. Of course I'm sleeping way too much and thinking.
I've caught myself going to message Randy several times now and stopped myself. I've spent all of my live clinging in desperation to those that wish to leave. I can't do it anymore. This decision came to me when I saw a pic of his playing Rockband 3 at Katie's house this last Saturday. He hates that drive, he hates drinking there late, and he's said it so many times. Why the change? Because Randy is doing what he always does, looking out for his own desires.
Both Randy and Katie said they loved me to my face. Fucking bullshit! This whole mess is all of our faults. Katie did call Randy and tried to make him angry at me, because she was mad at me. She fucking said this on the phone! but then,...Randy was the one that got her all upset by telling her that I'd said "I've made my decision about Katie". I did say that, but he didn't know what I meant by it. Next response was Katie's hateful email to the dnd group.
Fuck Al and his cunt wife, I was never worried about losing him as a friend because he's spineless and I've little respect for him. Eric's departure, well...that one kinda stung. Of all of that group, Eric was the least deceitful and his chastisement really made me feel like a heel. but then,...I flat out asked him if I'd ever made him uncomfortable about a week prior to this, and he said no. I even apologized after that and said I hope I don't. the night before Randy's visit, I texted him again and asked if we were still friends. His remark, in retrospect,is full of sarcasm, but it said "why would I stop being your friend?".
Katie will never know how close to danger she actually got. At that moment, I was so livid over her secret loathing of me, that I almost went to social services about her kids.
But then,...I didn't. Not only because of my love for Katie, but because I like her children very much and they seem to be having a dream childhood. I'm not about to screw with that.
and me,...I built myself up to being this bitch full of revenge. All of those things I said I did...lies.

and now I've decided to punish myself and deal with it. it's been suggested I apologize to Katie and try to mend fences. I'm not sure I can. There would always be that doubt that if we indeed did talk again, what was she thinking behind that smile. And Randy, he's pulled his disappearing act too many times on me.

That day, I allowed them to make me feel like I was the worst person in the world. Not anymore. From now on, everyone has to prove how much they can be a friend to me, and not the other way around.

I had my mourning period. Now I'm in Stage 2 - Anger. I was angry writing this, but then,...I'm letting go.

loathing

2011-06-10T20:46:00.000-04:00

There's a look on your face I would like to knock out
See the sin in your grin and the shape of your mouth
All I want is to see you in terrible pain
Though we won’t meet again I remember your name

Can't believe you were once just like anyone else
then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to God I think of a nice thing to say
But I don't think I can so fuck you anyway

You`re a scum, you`re a scum and I hope that you know
That the cracks in your smile are beginning to show
Now the world needs to see that it's time you should go
There's no light in your eyes and your brain is too slow

Can't believe you were once just like anyone else
then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to God I can think of a nice thing to say
But I don't think I can so fuck you anyway

Bet you sleep like a child with your thumb in your mouth
I could creep up beside put a gun in your mouth
makes me sick when I hear all the shit that you say
so much crap coming out it must take you all day

There's a space kept in hell with your name on the seat
With a spike in the chair just to make it complete
When you look at yourself do you see what I see
If you do why the fuck are you looking at me

There’s a time for us all and I think yours has been
Can you please hurry up cos I find you obscene
We can’t wait for the day that you’re never around
When that face isn’t here and you rot underground

Can’t believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to god I can think of a nice thing to say
But I don’t think I can so fuck you anyway

So fuck you anyway

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4gBzUwo6Iw

over

2011-06-10T00:11:00.000-04:00

I hugged my mother today. I'm not sure why.

Day 3 since I had a text from Randy, Day 13 since he came by the house. I follow her tweets to see how much she's got to do and I think how fucking hateful she gets her life still after destroying two of the three things I cared most about in this world.

I know Randy is hoping we'll make up, but how could we? She apparently hates me and I've rediscovered my fear of being close to anyone. I struggle everyday with my anger vs disappointment. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Either way, mourning over, time to start picking up the pieces.

isolation

2011-06-05T03:21:00.000-04:00

quiet day. Had chance to go to the clubs tonight and start new friendships. Don't think I'm quite ready for it. I've had four texts from Randy since last friday. Asked him what he was doing tonight, he said Eric and Sara were coming over for boardgames and cards; no invite was forthcoming. I slept.
started to straighten up the miniatures on the shelves but stopped, couldn't bring myself to do it. somehow if I put them up, its like saying goodbye. remembering the first time i played with raphael and raymond. everytime I played, reminded me of how I felt then, how young I was.
have the chance to run for some people i've never met before, but my heart's not in it. i feel nothing for them.
i wish...i wish i'd just let randy exit my life when he exited the thursday night game. no stupid decisions would have been made, no friends lost. filled with regrets for everything i've done for these people who have forsaken me. trying very, very hard not to take the lesson of safety equaling isolation.

today

2011-06-04T03:27:00.000-04:00

...

crash and burn

2011-06-01T22:44:00.000-04:00

Sitting here listening to Raised by Swans reflecting on past events. I came to the conclusion while talking with my mother yesterday, I'm damaged goods. Not in some tragic wannabe teen angst profession, I mean that as I'm doomed to never have a real relationship of any kind.

Recent events have shown that others perception of me and how I see myself aren't even similar. It's well known that I can have angry outbursts and am intimidating, I just never think of myself that way. I hope it doesn't sound like an excuse, but I've been exposed to so many hurtful situations, I think i'm so defensive, I push others away.

Essentially, I've been kicked out of my own D&D game. With more He Said, She said bs, something I said got repeated to another friend, which caused his silence. Friend A openly told me that it was repeated out of anger. I was only filled with disappointment. So much so, that I defriended Friend A from facebook. Before I could even explain why, Friend A sent a really hateful email to all those I play with...and I reacted stupidly. Flashbacks of Raphael/Raymond.

Long story short, other people in my game have voiced opinions that they don't want me to play in their reindeer games anywmore. Either because the drama I cause, or comments I've said. Funny, not just a month ago, I asked everyone if I'd ever offended them, or said anything to cause concern and not one of them spoke up.

but the kicker. I love Friend A, and this friend has apparently been complaining to people unknown how I've been nothing but manipulative and abusive. sigh.

So, after a few days...my bf Randy came and talked with me. The game aside, I could see in his eyes that the pressure was too much, and it was the first steps toward ending our friendship. I still hoped, but since then, communication has been .... null.

I've lived through a lot of things, and finding myself suddenly friendless is not new. What's the reason for that I ask? Part of it is the lies I've woven of how vindictive I am in hopes others would fear hurting me. Didn't work. Or perhaps I'm so deluded that I am a monster and don't deserve anyone. In my heart, I feel like a child that just wants to play, but then with all these incidents, am I really the rakshasa, the thing that gains trust then betrays?

Either way, i'm enduring this punishment. Crash and burn, and hopfully I can arise from the ashes once more. If not, RIP.

charles

2010-12-29T02:01:00.000-05:00

I read that the Empire Strikes back is celebrating it's 30 year anniversary. My thoughts go back to my first best friend Charles. I can still see that first day in third grade when we met. He was kinda dorky looking, and very, very skinny. He spoke something to me "See, I remembered where I sit because we sit diagonal from each other"

It was the first time someone referenced themselves according to me.

We'd leave school together, walking as far as the shredder and then going our separate ways. We both lived with our grandmothers, and loved...loved, loved star wars. There was this pole on Bates street that was our "halfway" point. When we'd get to visit, we'd stop there and wait.

Charles was one of those kids that never played with his toys, while I added real scorch marks and still think some are buried in my old back yard.

Fourth grade was spent in different classes, and in etirely different schools fifth on, but our friendship was really strong. We saw Empire together.

We made other friends, but I cherished him more than any. During this time it was becoming obvious that I was gay, and Chuck...was not. I tried very hard not to cross that line, but I got mixed signals. At least, that's what I tell myself when I hurt.

One night, he had a crush on some girl, and we practiced how to kiss on a statue in my room. That night, he lay against and on me like a lover would. My mind began to go places it shouldn't have. To him, it meant nothing, to me...it meant the intimacy I'd never have, and would eventually crave my entire life.

He turned 16 in 1987, and got a very old car...and came to spend the night. He wanted to go out, but me being forever the shy one, just wanted to be at home. That night, as he lay against me, I crossed the line.

Responsive at first, I think he got scared. Through mostly closed eyes, I saw him 'awaken'. The look he gave me will haunt me forever. He put pillows between us, got up early the next morning and left.

Charles exited my life the same way he entered it. One day there, another day not.

I only saw him once more. I was seventeen and went to a party on the southside with Celeste. At one point, he went into the house and was on the floor. I came into the room and sat in a chair behind him.

I opened myself up. He replied with silence as he got up and just walked out. Thus began a pattern of exits from my life.

He's on facebook now, and I tried to message him but with no response.

So, here's to you my first friend. 30 years and I'm still missing you.

if it ended.

2010-12-25T09:46:00.000-05:00

music, almost liquid in texture and temperature, flows over me on this christmas morning. The world is white, but brings no comfort. The absence of Raymond, Raphael and Eukas is numbing.

Since they've left, I can't seem to find purpose in life. I don't think I'd mind if it ended.

"Do you feel scared? - I do" howard jones

2010-10-24T02:57:00.000-04:00

so...haven't heard from andrew since friday, his phone is off and he hasn't posted on facebook. yeah...I'm getting the point.

night out. I bit the bullet and went to the local g&m halloween party. it was just as lame as i thought it would be. as soon as i got there, this nasty thug black boy named dante kept rubbing on me. after finally getting away, i hanged around rufus most of the night.

i did get my tarot read though. andrew is the page of swords and the reader said that the more energy i put into it, the more i'll be upset. the knight of swords crosses me, and i know that was ralph. i was late before the party because I got so lonely, that i drove by his house. because of the reading, i now know that i can't contact him. i also know that i'm giving up andrew.

after that, we went to the 501 to look at the eye candy. nothing much but a couple of drinks and then now home.

so...andrew is now on cam and explaining his weekend and how he got to cuddle with an ex. he's going on and on about how his "lonely thoughts" are off him. i'm looking at him, and I want to strangle this little faggot.

...perfect moment of the day. sitting in darkened bar with eyes closed. howard jones remix comes one.

"and do you feel scared?......I do! Things can only get better"

2010-10-20T01:05:00.002-04:00

everything falls apart.

sitting here, 39 and unsure of my future. I couldn't keep my mouth shut, and i got fired from my job because I posted something on facebook. My company nor my boss was mentioned by name, but they gave that as a reason. I feel like such a loser.

i feel estranged from my friends. the love I had for randy has finally died, and it's left behind an emptiness that I didn't expect. I thought there would only be left friendship, but now...I look at him, and there's very little feeling left at all of anykind.

katie has dropped out of my game. I know she needs to deal with issues, but i'm angry not because of her leaving, but because I really, really need friends right now, and no one's available. it's my own fault though.

and i'm falling in love with this young boy. he's hot, then he's cold. maybe it's the confusion that's enticing me. just saying that sounds disgusting and perverted. I'm a balding old man with diabetes, impotent and have feet and legs that swell. what the hell could I ever offer someone? the irony, just when I think i'm mature enough to handle love, I don't think anyone will ever love me again.

andrew told me the other night that he couldn't take a long distance relationship again. I get mixed signals from him as most nights we talk until almost dawn. I cant tell if he likes the idea of me, or really likes me. He makes comments that he's attracted to thin guys, but looking at his past boyfriends, they've been bald/bear types. I let my hopes get up that he's really into me, but cows to society's impression on what one should like.

It seems like my life has slowly crumbled since Eukas died. Since then, I've lost my job, Shadow is now showing the same signs as Eukas did a few months before she past, I've lost my job and my one other pleasure - dnd isnt fun anymore.

I'm so fucking lonely. my house echoes with silence and i need distractions to keep from worrying / thinking about everything. I fear a crash is coming.

I really had my hopes up to work with randy and eric, but also felt that I wasn't qualified for the job. less than 24 hours later, I had a vm that I didn't get it. I just feel like i'm not good enough for anyone or anything.

fade

2010-09-10T03:05:00.000-04:00

I had that vague sense I was dreaming when my sweet Eukas came up from the basement after I'd been missing her so much. Maybe it was the disturbing thought I didn't have a basement, that I remembered I was very sad, or that the cancer that plagued her was gone.

I laid down on the floor and brought her close to me. I knew it was a passing respite, but I breathed her in. I rubbed my face in her fur, and looked into her eyes. I don't think I've ever loved something so deeply in my life.

dreams usually fade, but I don't think this one ever will.

I feel dead inside.

by a little nothing

2010-08-25T01:29:00.001-04:00

"Nozzle, nodule, eraser chip; a few thoughts on the subject by a little nothing.

What was so obviously strange, yet mystifyingly true about the whole situation, was miss connie pollyp's failure to grasp that the time was indeed now if she was ever to recover her vitality to her mortal envelope. Oh sure, she liked perfume; and she had a lot of it too, but pampered wisps do not a clockdoll make. And there we have a lesson that is easier to speak of, than it is to, how you say, live by"

if i know you

2010-08-04T20:37:00.000-04:00

because of john, adam, steven and not to forget randy

Clever liar, fooling us all
never thought I'd work it out
how could I have known it was ever about you boy?
now there's nothing to say, there's no words
and we're not talking anyhow
you must have known I was never to doubt you boy

...if it was so fine, it was so good
oh you're unbelievable
all this time I've been living without you boy
not your lying
it felt so good, the world don't know
now they'll never find out
all these years she must've been beside you boy
don't forget that I

was the one that you found
and if I know you
you'll find me someplace new
I hope I never, I hope I never have to

you were a waste of time
and if I know you, learned long ago it's true
I hope I never, I hope I never have to

Go and explain, explain it again, boy that this all started
found you lying in the arms of another girl
so stop your crying

day after day, year after year
far too long and lost it
you must have thought I was nothing without you boy
don't forget that I

was the one that you found
and if I know you
you'll find me someplace new
I hope I never, I hope I never have to

you were a waste of time
and if I know you, learned long ago it's true
I hope I never, I hope I never have to

And tonight, if we learn that the world's on fire
I guess I'll turn to you
I hope I never, I hope I never have to

I'm always learning things the hard, hard, hardest way.

Cause I was the one, that you found
and if I know you, you'll find me someplace new
I hope you never, I hope you never get to

Tonight, if we learn that the world's on fire
I guess I'll turn to you
I hope I never, I hope I never have to

Missing Friends

2010-08-04T03:33:00.000-04:00

When I reach beyond myself
I’m amazed at what I find
There’s a world outside of me
So much anger, so much rage
When I reach beyond myself
Overwhelmed and afraid
There’s a world bigger than me

And I just take it in.

home

2010-07-07T00:19:00.000-04:00

I brought Euk home today. I surprised even myself at how distant and removed I was throughout the entire endeavor. It wasn't until I got in the back parking lot that I lost it. Always where no one can see.

My entire childhood was like that. Anger and sarcasm was accepted, but pain and tears were something to hide, unless you were using them to manipulate. I think that's why I have such an aversion to 'routine' criers. It's only when the strong types lose it that I melt down.

I carried her ashes to my car, hugging her tight to me. She's home.

Fireworks for Eukas

2010-07-03T23:28:00.000-04:00

There was a boom, followed shortly by another...then a pattern emerged. Red, glaring digits indicated it was just after ten; I was swathed in darkness and isolation. Then I remembered, my dog died this morning.

I knew the questions would come to me. Did I make selfish choices, did she suffer, did I fail? This time last year, Eukas had a fatty spot on her stomach that I've seen on dogs before, but it disappeared. She was 13 then, and still spunky enough to argue with my other girls.

Eukas was was always my strong one, my teddy bear. Shadow and Sophie always slept apart from me, but Eukas, she has always been there, pressed against me. The three times I've slept away from home, I've had to curl up against something her size just to sleep. And to think, I've always told people that was because I snored too loudly.

About three months ago, I was noticed a large bulge on shoulder. By then, it was too late. I felt around her and discovered other lumps, no where as large, but there none the less. I knew the end was coming.

Some days I didn't think about it. Was it a conscience effort, or just another aversion I've demonstrated to death?

When I found myself alone, I'd think about the impending day when she would no longer be, and allowed myself the release of grief. But then the cap would come back on and I'd be the jester again. Keeping it all bottled up; I'm not even sure that's a possibility anymore for it showed in my actions to others. Especially to katie and randy whom I love so much.

In my foolishness, I almost lost them forever. I wish I could say I don't still feel the strain, but it's going to take a long time before they're comfortable with me again.

The lump on Euka's shoulder continued to grow but she didn't show any signs of pain. There were no signs of infirmity...until two weeks ago.

I'd been noticing pee spots on the carpet, but attributed it to Sophie and my not being home enough to be consistent in my training. Eukas had tried to go outside via the back doggie door, and was laying on the floor, unable to climb the stairs or go outside. She was even unable to stand and had just urinated on herself.

I picked her up, but her legs couldn't hold her weight on the bare floor. I felt nothing as I cleaned her up, and brought her to the carpeted area. The next morning, she refused food.

Two weeks ago last saturday, I resolved myself to put her to sleep at home. I had to force feed her the narcotic in some food. She just slept through the weekend.

These last two weeks have really broken my heart. on top of difficulties from work, and my almost losing my two best friends, I watched Eukas slowly decline daily. She took to staying in one spot for lengthy periods of time.

Yesterday, when I got home from work, she was laying on her side and started crying. The last bit of my soul shattered. I put her on a pillow and laid with her for a bit. I think I even slept a bit. I texted john and asked if his vet would put her to sleep. he replied and asked for a sec, but never heard from him again that day.

She was still alive when I left to go to randy's, and as I drove on the highway, I felt guilty for wishing she'd die in her sleep before I got home. I'm so fucked up. But she was crying when she heard me come in the door.

She was getting paralyzed. Throughout the night, I kept checking on her. She seemed so frail, so near death. I kept listening for that death rattle but couldn't tell. She was alive this morning around 6am. I lay with her in the morning light, just rubbing her head. I knew it would be today. I had shadow come over to her and asked her to say goodbye.

I told Eukas how much I loved her, and that it was okay to let go. I'd join her later. In silence, I just watched my baby.

I eventually crawled back on the couch around 8 and woke up after noon. I let the Shadow and Sophie outside, and checked on her. She was cold.

I thought I'd prepared myself. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see. I staggered and wondered at that sound I was making. She died laying on the floor, at my feet. Did she feel alone?

John came when I called, and took her to get cremated. I wish I was strong enough to have went, but I can't and will never be able to show emotion in front of strangers.

He brought the blanket he'd carried her out in, and left it on my table. I felt nothing then, cap in place. After he left, I slept....deeply.

It wasn't until the fireworks started that I came back to hell. How ironic that everyone around me is celibrating and I, being the outsider eternal, am filled with consuming grief.

Eukas, my poor baby girl, I hope you are at peace. And when I see fireworks, I'll always think of you my love.

2010-05-12T01:33:00.000-04:00

it's all illusion. friends love then hate me. mother never wanted me, and neither do any of the men i loved, love still. i'm sleepless, dreamless.

haunted, when i look in your eyes.

2010-03-15T00:27:00.000-04:00

Maybe ten, but definitely twenty years ago my hands would be a blur of words I thought eloquent, on how the past few weeks have been an exercise in futility. In reality, it all seems so translucent, like the evaporating fog of a medicore memory.

Several truths remain: I still dolt over Randy when I know better, I still know that when I buy something, I usually have an unexpected expense when I can't afford it, and finally, that creeping feeling of dread as old age and infirmity begin to take hold.

I'm slowly watching Eukas die and I fear I'm too selfish and afraid to have to euthanize her yet. She has good and bad days but the cancer is growing obvious. Shadow is almost completely deaf and needs soft food b

wish

2010-02-22T23:20:00.000-05:00

with each day, I become more a part of the grey. Days are drained of color, nights are spent in dread of the coming day. I spend so much time waiting for those few moments of self.

I wish I could say things have changed, but now is not the time for lies. I still gush at the site of him, I still dream of a youth imagined and I yett yearn to share my shadow self.

ugh

2010-01-16T00:02:00.000-05:00

i feel wretched and foolish
i've played this game, trying very hard to achieve a romance with this npc and got turned down because i'm not of noble birth.
don't mention that the npc is a bastard that doesn't want the throne
and let me not forget that the game is programmed that a warrior and rogue can only be of noble birth, but mages cannot be.

so. i'm shaking now cause that hit way too close to home.

another year

2010-01-02T23:18:00.000-05:00

this year, it's about me.

Love, Crooked Love

2009-12-30T00:45:00.001-05:00

My heart beats out of time
With the constant pounding in my head
Fear, heartless fear
It pulls me away from my dying dreams of
Love, evil love
A constant craving to be heard
Time, wretched time
Has stolen away the only things I've ever held dear

I have never known love
I have wanted you all this time

And every time I try
I'm diving harder towards the ground
Oh, I think I can fly
But my heart has spun me upside-down
Love, crooked love
It drives a stake into the soul
Pain, precious pain
It's caused by those that we are the closest to

And I don't need your sympathy
To find my way
And all I've ever struggled for
Was love, crooked love

I have never known love
I have wanted you all this time
I have never know love
To be anything but a lie
I've hated you all my life

peace with myself.

2009-12-13T23:09:00.003-05:00

a week of extremes. First, the bad. I discovered a diabetic ulcer on my big toe friday morning. It really freaked me out; had visions of gangreen and amputations. I called off from work and rushed to the doctor. Several times I broke down while driving my my lovely friend Katie got me laughing. Thank god for her.

I have no one to blame but myself really. I have not been consistent with my insulin, nor have I taken my metformin. And honestly, that peanut butter I've been buying, or that chocolate bar as sympathy food isn't helping either. So here I was, with an open wound on my toe and didn't even know it. I need, have to take care of this. I can't be that person anymore.

I'm on antibiotics 4 times a day, and having to wear one of those funky chinese shoes. We'll see friday how things are going, but I see a difference already. The doctor didn't seem overly concerned, but maybe he realized I was in a state. I was afraid my puppy sophie had broken the skin and it got infected, but the dr told me it was a pressure would. He showed me how my toe isn't as flexible as my other, and that I'd been putting too much pressure one it. Couple that with the diabetes, and a "bed sore" happened. I need to get better shoes.

Now for the good news, and dare I say it? I met this really, sexy, cool, funny guy online about a week ago. I must confess I'm smittened. We'lll see how it goes though. I have little faith in meeting guyss online; something always seems to happen. I need to stay based in reality, but not too critical either. The more i find about about him, the more I like. Even his faults are cute.

Here are the holidays, and I've at least tried to make peace with my family. Theresa accepted, Diane did not. All that matters is that I have peace with myself.

and I'm absolutely in love with my puppy. even if she's a biter and I've got two facial wounds.

....in the end

2009-11-21T03:46:00.000-05:00

Where once was light
Now darkness falls
Where once was love
Love is no more
Don't say goodbye
Don't say I didn't try

These tears we cry
Are falling rain
For all the lies you told us
The hurt, the blame!
And we will weep to be so alone
We are lost
We can never go home

So in the end
I'll be what I will be
No loyal friend
Was ever there for me

Now we say goodbye
We say you didn't try

These tears you cry
Have come too late
Take back the lies
The hurt, the blame!

And you will weep
When you face the end alone
You are lost
You can never go home
You are lost
You can never go home

no where to go but here.

2009-10-24T12:30:00.002-04:00

So we all
Are growing old
And it's getting old

Pressure on
Our hollow bones
and the varicose

Suddenly
We decompose
But we're not alone

So we all
Are growing old

Maybe we're sealed in silence
And maybe we feel a guidance
Maybe your own devices
Will keep you afraid and cold
But I

Memorized
Your smile lines
From left to right

Came to life
And childlike
Reaction time

We're allowed
To expire
With ourselves in mind

So we all
Are growing old

Pull out the fear of silence
And put out the need for guidance
And put out your own devices
And don't be afraid of the cold

And we sing
As we fight,
Then we cry
As we slide,
Into the light.

Maybe we're sealed in silence
And maybe we feel a guidance
Maybe your own devices
Will keep you afraid and cold, well.

Pull out the fear of silence
Put out the need for guidance
Put out your own devices
And don't be afraid of the cold
Afraid of the cold
Afraid of the time
You've got no where to go but here.

2009-09-27T23:13:00.002-04:00

I'm so proud of myself for making a decision instead of allowing another fucking user to come into my life.

my dignity remains intact.

once knew

2009-09-13T03:02:00.002-04:00

you know i can't believe you
all the things you say, they're not true

but i fear i can't just leave you
all i feel is that i need you, my love

this is all my spirit can take
any more and i will surely meet decay

won't you reach out, touch my heart-ache
feel it beating, please don't throw it away

i can't believe your careless lies
your burning eyes pass through me

i never thought our love would die
but how could i, i could not see

baby boy you know i need you
can't believe that you would leave me this way

if my pain will not appease you
so it please you, i've got nothing to say

i now begin to realize
you're not the boy i once knew
but deep beneath those hollow eyes
resides that dying part of you

of you
i will cry
cry for you
for you
i will cry
cry for you

curtains drawn, you shut the moon out
as though it were bright as sun in the day

i would crawl through the dementia
in your head, if you would show me a way

i can't believe your careless lies
your burning eyes pass through me

passed

2009-08-23T22:55:00.003-04:00

time has passed, emotions have changed, I'm a bit older

Evverything's changed.

My views on love, friendship and life. What is fidelity? Is it destroyed by the act of betrayal, or the mere thought of dissonance? We seem to be a complex orchestra and pray that a stray note gets swallowed by the cacophany of others.

Old patterns emerged. I couldn't see through the insincerity of his flirtations or her subtle manipulations. I was always concious when they touched, when they shared a moment...and I found that I wouldn't stop the torture.

So now she's gone, and my friend, my love, ...my little brother is in pain. I can do nothing but offer an outlet if he reaches out. Just be there.

Cedric is coming to live with me. Any romantic overtures haven't resurfaced and I think we can actually be roomies/friends with benefits. I can do without that dizzy spin feeling I get when in love. sometimes the bullshit just comes out of me. Like I could love anyone until i'm out of love with my boy. I can honestly say that picturesque ideal is fading. How much longer?

Each day I'm aware of how old my girls are getting. Eukas looks sad most of the time, and Shadow no longer jumps the fence. I will lose my soul when they depart. They are my destruction. I'm prepared to lose my grandmother, randy, my friends...but not them.

People always leave. Whether it's a lover, or a trusted friend that's harbored resentment. My D&D game dissolved and it saddens me, but I can't blame anyone but myself really. I handled the situation badly; let personal feelings dictate how it ended, and betrayed some good friends beyond repair. I show anger so that no one sees how guilty I feel that I did...I do the things I do.

If karma does come back, then I understand all that has happened.

The 20 year saga with my family has come to an end. I finally voiced subverted feelings to diane, but her retaliation didn't alleve, nor lay to rest all of the injustices of my youth. If anything, they were just buried in a less important part of my psyche.

time has passed.

older

2009-04-21T07:49:00.001-04:00

Something filled up my heart with nothing
Someone told me not to cry.
But now that I'm older, my heart's colder, and I can see that it's a lie.

saturdays

2009-02-23T07:06:00.001-05:00

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine

Gotta gotta be down because I want it all

It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, letting me go

And I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

broken

2009-02-21T20:11:00.002-05:00

in his eyes last night, I saw his departure. why do I say these things? repeatedly I resolve never to do it again.

I find myself wanting to share everyhing, but I'm also quite aware of how that would be the most absolute end.

i know we're broken.

2009-02-11T06:17:00.002-05:00

woke up early this morning, listening as the rain pounds, cascades down. I'm feeling rather detached from everything.

faith

2009-01-22T07:39:00.002-05:00

faith wavers, love falters
the only consistency is untruth

men lie to their lovers
women lie to themselves
I lie to everyone

not a bad thing.

2008-12-29T02:57:00.002-05:00

it may be too early, or perhaps I want it so badly, but as I sat across from him saturday night, there were no pangs of anguish, no cast away looks. And on my way home, no breathless moments of quiet reflection; it was just the rain, the wind and me.

Another holiday hell has passed and I've been the recipient of many epiphanies.

I have friends that love me, regardless of how much I try to disprove it.
I like being on the outside
We make our own hell
and I really am this old, with lots of memories that go with it.
...and it's not a bad thing.

want it to be

2008-12-24T07:56:00.001-05:00

I guess it's over now.
I think we've seen the end.
When our common dream.
Faltered in the between.
Though i've tried so hard to make it real.
It doesn't matter now.
I guess it never did.

and it's alright,
alright,
alright with me.
and it's alright if that's how you want it to be.

I've learned through weakness
and through the web of your lies.
That everyday I live, another piece of me dies.

And in the black and white.
I found a need to move on,
to find a road of gold - a throne to live upon

If there's a reason for the pain then let me know.
If i'm the reason for your pain then let me go.

and it's alright,
alright,
alright with me.
and it's alright if that's how you want it to be

atmosphere

2008-12-22T00:24:00.002-05:00

bitterly cold and isolated. I go from heated frustration to sleepy contemplation.

Randy's girlfriend was out of town this weekend and I thought I'd have randy to hang with, but I spent the week alone anyway. First he than katie stands me up. The week was spent watching movies and drinking lots of tea. I'm reintroduced to online chat rooms. So Saturday comes, and with Angie's return, he suddenly wants me to come to the pub. The kenneth cycle all over again?

John has been mumbling about leaving his wife, and I have even asked myself how I feel. I really don't believe him anyway so putting thought in the matter would be useless.

Randy and I had an intense conversation tuesday during lunch. I had no idea he was so conflicted on personal issues. I also wish I could put it down in writing but I guess someone reading this, someone without any real life, could use it. God I wish they would just move on

I guess everything is so black and white for him .- all or nothing. I promised him that I'd back him, but secretly...i'm torn by his impending departure. what do I do now?

five minutes

2008-12-15T00:05:00.003-05:00

how do we fixate, how do me covet?

His smile chases away the stormclouds, his eyes bring the rain. I actually said that to him.

In that awful moment where fate was decided, he stood just out of reach as icy rain fell on his face. His dark eyes caught the glare of a random streetlight, and grinning, he said "and it's those five minutes that dictate our lives."

my lessons unlearned, wisdom cast aside, ... I wanted him. oh how it aches in my core. I know better. and yet, I fly directly into that flame.

It's for the best. It's hard to say if those five minutes are worth it, when everytime it happens, I lose someone.

I can't lose him. He's all I have left besides my girls.

he

2008-12-03T06:35:00.003-05:00

"he'll get you, he will never understand. he'll never get you, you can find a better man"

always be a broken girl

2008-11-23T15:50:00.003-05:00

there are moments when you hear a song that so perfectly fits that singular moment. Katie made me a mixed cd and there's this song from She Wants Revenge on it.

I asked a girl to the pub last night, and was at once nervously anticipating it and hoping she wouldn't come. When the text came she wasn't, I smiled knowing he universe had aligned itself. I was still myself and resigned myself to dreaming of the boy I'll never have, going home alone and crying myself to sleep.

It wasn't always like this. My life has been so ... not mine since Raymond died. What the hell am I supposed to do with this lonliness? I see myself trying to hard to make them laugh. Someone asked me once how I always have a come back, I wish I could explain that I've hidden so long behind it that it's like driving on cruise control.

All those emotions I've suppresed have surfaced this year. I have to laugh that years after the fact, anger over steven and adam finally shows itself. Adam lied about my being his first, and steven just plain lied all the time. John has his expected life and here I am, ...always a broken girl.

I wish this love would diie, it's hurting me so much.

tell me then

2008-10-12T17:00:00.002-04:00

It's time to leave this place,
where I'm gonna head
It's time to live the most,
doubt I hate I'm dead
And then each spread and kills himself
a gift
But he loves the shame

It's killing me to see you die inside
It's killing time to care if I'm the one
And then the spanner finds you can't unwind
Better fuse this pain

Will you tell me then?
What's wrong in our life?
We'll try to take it out
But not with your life

Know if you're right

The fear takes over
when it knows you're down
Fear will follow you into the ground
It's screaming where my meaning
is to these left
And the tired feet

Where every fear will not be all okay
Every fear will die to love or hate

The brilliant minds won't save our soul
Until I help them take, take you home

Will you tell me then
What's wrong in our life
Well try to take it out
But not with your life
Bend down, fool

...

2008-10-07T07:56:00.000-04:00

there's no-one left in the world
that i can hold onto
there is really no-one left at all
there is only you
and if you leave me now
you leave all that we were
undone
there is really no-one left
you are the only one
and still the hardest part for you
to put your trust in me
i love you more than i can say
why won't you just believe?

2008-10-06T01:23:00.002-04:00

ah, this silence I remember. the peace, the emptiness. I'm 37 years old and this is the first time I'm living alone because I chose it. It feels like the first drops of rain, heavy with promise.

Everything seems to be slowing down.

Regret isn't worth it, Fantasy should stay Fantasy and Love is not enough

nobody

2008-09-23T07:03:00.003-04:00

To know know know him
Is to love love love him
Just to see that smile
Makes my life worthwhile
To know know know him
Is to love love love him
And I do, and I do, and I do

Oh, I'll be good to him
I'll bring joy to him
Everyone says there'll come a day
When I'll walk alongside of him
To know know know him
Is to love love love him
And I do, I really do, and I do

Why can't he see
How blind can he be
Someday he'll see
That he was meant for me

To know know know him
Is to love love love him
Just to see that smile
Makes my life worthwhile
To know know know him
Is to love love love him
And I do, I really do, and I do

splinter

2008-09-09T06:24:00.003-04:00

cry it loud, I did it! Although don't feel entirely comfortable doing it; that feeling doesn't compare to how miserable I am most of the time.

I asked scott to leave. I think his being unemployed, and not really looking for a job, easier for me to decide. There are so many reasons I can site to justify my wanting him out, but why should I have to list them?

He's nothing but a splinter that needs to be removed.

lost

2008-09-05T07:58:00.002-04:00

Steve and I no longer speak
Joe has leukemia
DeWayne has heart problems
Katie's husband quit his job
Jay got laid off and I haven't heard from him since
Scott got laid off too, but I can't get rid of him
and myself

lost.

drowning

2008-09-04T23:18:00.002-04:00

something awakens in me with your smile. I say too much and hide intensely. How fruitless my thoughts that lead down paths tread alone. I will sit and catch my breath.

Breath stolen when your eyes pause upon me. Am I content to suffer so? I'm helplessly drowning in emotions, but I can choose silence as a best friend.

you look at me, and i'm drowning.

I N T H E E N D

2008-09-02T20:06:00.001-04:00

We all bear the scars
Yeah, we all feign a laugh
We all cry in the dark
Get cut off before we start

And as your first act begins
You realise they're all waiting
For a fall, for a flaw, for the end

And there's a past stained with tears
Could you talk to quiet my fears
Could you pull me aside
Just to acknowledge that i've tried

As your last breath begins
Contently take it in
Cause we all get it in
The end

And as your last breath begins
You find your demon's your best friend
And we all get it in
The end

2008-08-20T07:54:00.001-04:00

estranged from lies I am not
surprising still how deceptive you can be
any of you
all of you
should just die

...

2008-08-10T23:44:00.001-04:00

my desire to be is fading

used

2008-07-13T02:33:00.002-04:00

another late night in shadow. though this time, It's by choice.

we had our company cookout friday. I'd scrambled to write our department's skit and have it look like we rehearsed. We actually did pretty well. All the boys played basketball and I was pretty successful in not sitting by, oggiling them as they ran in shorts.

Several times jay came and sat by me, all sweaty with bright eyes and a quick smiled. Oh if he know how he shined in my eyes. I have to keep thoughts like that out of my head. I have to.

Cedric and I finally had 'the talk'. How can I describe it other than how I took it? Bascially, he's now ready to move to Indy. After three years of talking, years of declaration of feelings, he's finally ready to move to indy....after his relationship in florida is ending .

Yeah. His current guy told him it's not going to work, and cedric called me a week ago hinting at that. He was busy or always leaving when I'd call. My being a priorty really ranked high. So he wants to come here, have his own bedroom, not be introduced as my boyfriend and still have sex with me, but wants freedom to be with other guys. In a time past, I would have said yes.

something keeps me from doing it now. I think it's called self respect.

spaking of...adam called me today, said he was going shopping and wanted to say hey. Yeah, call me after two weeks once you get back with your boyfriend, then call me when you're away from him. God I'm such a welcome mat! Or I have been.

so, here in the dark, I feel lonliness. But it's better than feeling used.

further

2008-07-10T00:49:00.002-04:00

the roar of the highway filters in through my open windows. even after midnight, engines rush to some unknown destination, in such hurry.

i can''t sleep. the pressure of so many things going wrong as of late has me feeling removed. my car, my roof, my central air, school, friends, etc. i'm finding it harder to even care. cedric left mme a message a week back and hinted that his relationship was in its last stages. he said he wanted to talk to me about my saying he could come here.

i have mixed feelings about it. most importantly, am i ready? i like him very much, but you see, something's changed since he was here last november. i'm falling for jay. even as I write his name, my stomach gets all nervy and tight ; my heart beats faster in nervous response.

steve and i hardly hang out anymore. he's preoccupied with cleaning up his relationship with his wife and family. i gather his mother's side is fed up and not including him in functions. combineed with money woes, he's all gun ho about getting back with her. i doubt his sincerity.

randy has been drinking alot lately and very moody when he does drink. i see the signs coming on that.

adam, back with his bf, hasn't called me in 2 weeks. yeah, i'm done on that shit too. as for steven morris, was he even really here? did he contribute anything at all....or did he just take?

yeah, i'm in a dark place right now. everyone and everything means so little.

the further away I get from the things I care about, the less I care about how much further away I get.

Games, Pains and Automobiles

2008-06-27T03:28:00.002-04:00

The Night From Hell!

Game night started off very typically; someone canceled, someone got bored, and I made a few retarded comments while flirting with the straight boys. Then coming home, something in my car didn't sound quite right. Then engine light came one, then I lost power steering. When my temperature gauge when to that Glaring Capital H (not Homo), I pulled over at the Speedway on Prospect and Keystone - not 2 miles from the safety and comfort of my home.

I began perusing my contact list for a possible rescue and to my dismay, the bars on my phone when from 3 fully charged lovely little vertical babies, to one lonely little tree of a disappointing gay nightmare. Thugs with brown bags were walking up and down the street.

I called Scott...several times and no answer. It was obvious she was asleep. I tried calling my cousin, it was obvious he wasn't going to answer and has no voice mail. I broke down and tried calling John, my ex that's now married to a woman and has a child. Oh the humanity!

Well, it seems when I got my new phone, his number didn't transfer over entirely as I was missing the last digit. So, systematically I began dialing his number...5, number, then 6...etc. I was sure it was a higher number. When I got to 0, I started with 1.

His number ended with a 4

John told me he couldn't help me cause he's still at work until 2am in Greensburg. So I called Rebecca from my work. Now mind you, we really don't know each other, but we say a movie together about two weeks ago and that's it.

So she looks up the roadside assistance number for me on geico.com and sent it via text message as I was sure my dyslexic ass would get it wrong. The stupid bitch on the phone took me through dumb ass questions trying to be friendly, btw, why is that they're friendly only when you don't need it? So, fearful of being stranded in Alchoholsville with no phone (scene from clueless anyone?) cept I didn't have an Alijah dress on!

I then hear I don't have coverage through my insurance. .... I then ask Becca to come get me. While waiting, I see a sign stating some drival about illegally parked vehicles will be towed at owners expense. So I call roadside assistance, which btw...was preprogrammed in my new phone from AT&T! only to find a two truck wouldn't be forthcoming for a couple of hours. UGH!

In a somewhat new minivan, she arrives and saves my day. I'm going home at last! ...so I thought.

I offer money, my time...my imaginary first born. She just wants to have a beer with me. Thinking, that's cool enough. I watch as we drive past my street, and end up at this rough neck bar at keystone and hanna. Becca's gas light comes on and I hear "Oh shit, I guess I need gas huh?"

Stepping out of the minivan, I saw it was complete with drunken white guys in the parking lot fighting.

I then hear "Oh, it is a tragedy." to which I asked already knowing the answer . . . "Did you just lock your keys in your car?"

The bar was clean enough, well, enough to not pick up anything too terribly antibiotic resistant. Two thug-ass black guys were on the stage really rapping to pounding, irritating music. The bar doesn't have Killians so I opt for a bud light. Beer of losers everywhere right?

The cops showed up and I told Becca they could unlock her car as they usually kept slimjim thingies. She found her keys.

We left and I was finally going home. Well, then she decides she's gonna drive with this gas light on and show me where this mechanic is she knows. We were not headed in the general direction of my house.

I'd held it in enough. ... I plainly stated my case, and several minutes later, I was stumbling through my house to my electric plug and phone jack.

....John called me at 2am and we talked for about an hour. We had a plan. I am to call Speedway early in the morning to request they don't tow me. He's gonna pick me up around 11am and see if he can fix it himself. Before this, I'm going to call Pep Boys and make sure I can drop my car off there if John can't pull his magic. If he can, then he's promised much sex and a steak lunch.

So. Here it is, nearly 4am and I'm wired from frustration. I've emailed holly and rhonda from work but unable to sleep.

I'm so over my life right now.

everything changes

2008-06-25T03:01:00.004-04:00

this time of time has always been my friend. when the house is quiet and dark, i slip through obstacles and find myself surrounded by the isolation within. it's rare when my out matches my in.

I'm a little saddened that my feelings for Jay aren't as tormenting as I thought they would be. how fucked up is that? have I lost the capacity to feel intensely? I've just to look in hiss dark eyes, flashing smile, chest hair or goofy gait and I stand transfixed. He's so available at work, but when away, I never hear from him.

steve decided to go back to his wife, but she's hesitant. That's hurt his ego I believe. I wish I could help him as it's obvious he's hurting, but he did bring this on himself. He knows it too and that's the part that I'm worried over. A dose of reality, although needed, may not be what was needed right now. I hope he has a happy ending.

speaking of endings and happiness, it seems my boss thinks gay people can change if they choose. flabberghasted is not even a word to describe the whole scenario. I know she's a little sheltered, but I always picture die hard southern baptist stupid fucks thinking that way, not someone I admire. Comforting that I'm still not as acccepted as the media would have you think.

I really wish something would change for me.

moratorium

2008-06-11T09:50:00.002-04:00

I've never been this accountableless
and within
I've never known focuslessness on any form
I've never had this lack of ache for dalliance
To let go
And let God in ways I have never even imagined

I declare a moratorium on things relationship
I declare a respite from the toils of liaison
I do need a breather from the flavors of entanglement
I declare a full time out from all things commitment

I've never let my grasp soften fingers like this
I've never been careless,
Otherless like autonomy's twin

Ah to breathe...
Stop looking outside
Stop searching in corners of rooms
Not my business or timing
Ahhh

I've never known freedom from intertwining
I start again this time for keeps
In my skin I'm residing

A Month

2008-05-06T23:59:00.002-04:00

A month full of changes. I'm like, actually happy and shit.

- My roof is done for the most part. There's still some cosmetic things to fix, but no more leaks.
- I had a dream about steve and I'm all worried about it
- I've given up on Jay
- Had a fabu time in Louisville for me Bday, even if I got stood up the night before
- My meds are making me feel better
- New and Old friends are really making me happy
- Adam got dumped by bf and calling me for solace again, this time I'm not interested

Just a full month.

in bed

2008-04-07T06:43:00.002-04:00

the immediacy of my isolation is pressing down. My conflict lies in not having the will to move but yearning for past times with overwhelming schedules and friends visiting every weekend. My house was filled with laughter then.

When not at work, I find it hard coming up with a reason to stay awake. I'm ashamed of my house because of the ceiling damage and the messiness that I have no desire to rectify. I think it's all cause to Scott. He just needs to come out of his room and I cringe.

I've felt hatred, and I've desired revenge, but I've only now discovered the depths of loathing. In fact, I don't think I understood the word completely prior to this.

I'm disgusted with myself. I can't believe I've gotten this big and I'm having difficulty dealing with my age. Everyday I see some change, some rebellious act performed by my body. On top of that, I'm really craving someone to touch.

It's morning as I write, dressed and ready for work but I hesitate. After a weekend of nothing to do and wishing I did, here it is that I have something imminent, and I just want to crawl into bed and die.

more truth

2008-03-28T00:16:00.002-04:00

in no specific order

cedric
it's not all your fault, every whore needs a willing john to believe in your facade. I happily played the fool for you, but you're just not that interesting enough anymore for me to continue.

adam
I think somehow by biting my tongue and being a friend to you, when you only call because you're having problems with your boyfriend, that I'll somehow redeem myself by this punishment. I never fell out of love with you. You were the one. ...and I secretly take pleasure in that you're getting everything you deserve.

steven
I don't know you, I never did. I blame your addiction for our destruction, but deep down, you fullfilled every expectation that I hoped for in loving the tragic. You gave me the pain I wanted, and I resent it. I thought, hoped you'd be different and was disappointed you didn't prove me wrong.

randy
you were the last of my great illusions. my words for you stop here.

steve
i'm getting more and more attracted to you and I know better. why do I do this?

scott
why didn't you just die in the hospital?

jeanette
if you do nothing bout this roof/stepfather mess, you'll prove you never were good enough to be called my mother.

myself
you're not as funnyas you think you are, you're not as ugly as you believe you are and you're not as loved as you hoped to be. would any of them really be there for you?

2008-03-21T22:53:00.002-04:00

I'd fuck you because you are famous I'd fuck you for your money I'd fuck you to control you I'd fuck you so someday I can have half of everything you own I'd fuck you to fuck you over I'd fuck you until I find someone better Then fuck you in secret I'd fuck you because I can't remember if I'd already fucked you before I'd fuck you out of boredom I'd fuck you because I can't feel anything anyways I'd fuck you to make the pain go away

Fuck you because I loved you
Fuck you for loving it, too
I don't need a reason to hate you the way I do Fuck you because I loved you Fuck you for loving it, too I don't NEED a reason to hate you the way I do Hate you the way I do

I'd fuck you so I could feel something instead of nothing at all I'd fuck you because you are beautiful I'd fuck you because you are my nigger I'd fuck you because I am your whore I'd fuck you because you are a whore I'd fuck you for fun I'd fuck you for fun I'd fuck you because I can't I'd fuck you so I have a place to stay I'd fuck you so you will protect me

Fuck you because I loved you Fuck you for loving it, too I don't need a reason to hate you the way I do Fuck you because I loved you Fuck you for loving it, too I don't need a reason to hate you the way I do Hate you the way I do

I don't need a reason to hate you the way I do Hate you the way I do

I Hate you All!

gotta laugh

2008-02-25T00:23:00.002-05:00

oh man. sometimes shit happens that you just gotta laugh to keep from screaming. someone told me yesterday that blogs are for bitching, which I guess I've done alot...and doing it now.

you know, i'm not young, i'm not thin, but I've got way too much going for me to fall for some bullshit like what I was offered yesterday. Every relationship, I've had to share my partner with someone....whether it's a girl, someone online or the partner in an open relationship. I'm so friggin tired of all that.

It took so much outta me saying goodbye to cedric, who is probably the best guy I've ever known, but I had to do it for me.

And then comes this local guy, my age....with baggage. Nothing to offer me, no job, no place of his own and he's not even single. His proposal, to hang out on the weekends when his boyfriend is at work, I can't call him but could he call me to talk when the bf isn't around.

Um yeah, let me jump all over that. You know, optimism aside, even if he could be someone in my life, say in the future,....his actions speak so much of his character.

I'm so not compromising anymore. I care too much about myself.

I'm done.

oh....high definition rocks. :P

can you guess my mood

2008-02-03T00:10:00.000-05:00

I feel like a stranger to myself. Who is this person I see in the mirror?

Saturday and I'm home alone, procrastinating on homework, listening to old cure and wondering.

how did I get here?

much satisfaction

2008-01-13T23:44:00.001-05:00

sometimes i just have to smile. Randy asked about re-joining the game and I'm semi-open to it. I guess I'm still bitter about how he walked out. Actually, I'm more bitter about his not trusting me about Angie.

She's the girl that he got busted talking to at Al's party by his wife Tobey. He says nothing happened with her until after he left. Randy says alot of things.

So now he calls when he wants something. When he wants to get a program, or most recently - when his girlie is out of town and he then finds the time to see what I'm doing. Um, yeah....I don't do that with john, why would I do that with him?

new semester has started and I'm pretty optimistic about it. I'm hoping that my psych class will be easier this time - still waiting on the computer science book though.

oh, I finished mask of the betrayer today. shit was hard but I ended up being 28th level by the time it's done.

hmmm, adam sent me a dirty video. wow, the most remarkable thing I can say about it is that he's completely bald now and looks like a pale, bald elf from everquest. I still miss him though, more than I think he knows.

I haven't heard from cedric, and that's a good thing. It's making it less hard to get over it. still though, I lay there at night and think about him. I thought we had something, but it appears I meant nothing afterall. Somehow having that doubt verified doesn't bring much satisfaction.

Playbill

2008-01-07T01:05:00.000-05:00

The Ice Queen
The first person to ever damage me; you taught me to mistrust. I'll never call you mother again.
The Prettyboy
How I longed for you, and only told you when I was ready to move on.
The First
You were my first kiss, and my first heartache.
The DJ
I was your first, oh how I loved thee but never told you. You are my biggest regret.
The Bisexual
I sacraficed everything for you, and you left me with nothing. You taught me there are worse things than jealousy, and I hate you for it.
Little 15
You helped me to forget the world outside, and it's little intrigues. You were the first to use me for money.
The Fallen Paladin
My dreams of you have been countless, I should never have told you the truth. I've lost you.
The Crackhead
I told you I wasn't ready, but you conquered me with lies and insincerity. When you left, you took the last part of me I had to give. I think you will be my last.
The Game Player
Your "I love yous" came so frequently, how could I not question your intentions? When you bragged to a friend about how easily you financed a road trip in front of me, then kissed me on the neck, I knew you for what you were.

certain truths

2007-12-29T07:43:00.000-05:00

I said goodbye to cedric this morning. My heart is breaking because of it.

The doubts are just too much and I have to face certain truths. He is not leaving his boyfriend, and if he does, it won't be for me. We've talked nearly three years and ... omg, I can't believe how much I care for him. I just can't do this anymore.

He came to visit a few weeks back, and no one knows, but I gave him about 175 bucks. Out of a two week road trip, he spent two nights with me and the rest with what I guess is a list of guys on his blog. Sounds like I'm trying to convince myself I've done the correct thing.

Still. He never talks about me on his blog but would ask that I write about him. He says he loves me frequently but then talks to me in those 'get away moments' like John did. Maybe that's the catalyst and i'm projecting. Whatever the case, I see all these signs and I promised myself, never again.

"robbie: e - can't pretend anymore. you have boyfriend you're not leaving. I don't believe that ricky knows the extent of what you do, or that he doesn't care. I don't believe i'm the only one. You never write about me on your blog cept minimal reference. I'm sorry, but this all sends up red flags that you're being deceptive. I can't just be your friend, and I can't stand this longing. When and if you're in a position to have a real life relationship, get me then. goodbye"

His reply,

"Alright"

december

2007-12-25T18:24:00.000-05:00

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December

This is my snow covered home

This is my December

This is me alone

And I,
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I,
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that
And I,
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I,
Take back all the things that I said to you

And I'd give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

This is my December
These are my snow covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I,
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I,
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that
And I,
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I,
Take back all the things that I said to you

And I'd give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

to be found

2007-12-18T01:22:00.000-05:00

it seems so strange that I've lived and experienced this much and yet still feel so....undone. I'm missing so many. So much of my life was spent under the influence of Raymond and Raphael; my friendships pale in comparison.

I miss that instant understanding we had, that history, that shared experience. My friends are all straight, living straight lives, and though they may try to get it, they never will. Even those that did share in my life seem so far away.

John has joined my game and I sat last friday looking at him. How alien he seemed to me. He's married now and has a child. Something he promised me years ago. So I was studying him, and I found myself thinking...what in the hell was I attracted to? And I ask myself what is it that makes me want Cedric so much.

It's not something specific, it's just....when I think of him, I dissolve. it's a bit disorienting actually. As much as I need to just let him go, I find I can't. The memory of his touch, his body against mine is too fresh. I hear his voice and I'm lost. I'm sure I want to be found.

Indeed. It's nearly 2am and I'm hoping he'll message me even now.

epiphany

2007-11-30T07:38:00.001-05:00

a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

can't pretend anymore

2007-11-22T14:21:00.001-05:00

1987

March 14th - I was shown a future of unrequited love and heartache. I knew then that I was doomed to a life of longing and regret. All men leave, even if they weren't fully there at all.

April 19th - On my 16th birthday, I spent all of my money trying to impress people I needed to be my friends, but wasn't very successful at hiding how much I amused them. I was the oddity, the freak that was entertaining. It was the beginning of the Jester.

Summer - My family turned against me. My mother had given me her old car, and someone kept calling it in as an abandoned vehicle. My aunt Diane wanted the car moved, and started her campaign to get me kicked out of my grandmother's house. I was going to a gay youthgroup at the Damien Center, and she had me followed one night to see where I was going. Stupidly, she told everyone I was going to a devil place because of the name Damien.

September - I came home to find my home, no...my room specificly was destroyed. While at the Damien center, someone came into a locked house, with a big guard dog, went to my room only and destroyed everything with a hammer. Only my aunt knew my grandmother would be out that night. Only my aunt had a key to the house. The guard dog was owned previously by my aunt. I still remember carrying everything to the dumpster, but only at 2am because my grandmother didn't want the neighbors to see it and question.

October - my best friend Charles spent the night. After laying around me in shorts and insisting on cuddling, he had the nerve to get disgusted with me when I tried to initiate sex. He went home the next day and never spoke to me again. Such is the folly of trusting friendship.

November - was told that my aunt threatened not to come around unless I was kicked out. My grandmother told me to stay in my room whenever she and her boyfriend came around to avoid 'trouble'. I learned how to hide in that cave of a room that year, to hide from my voice. I tried once to get help from my mother, as she is my aunt's sister, and she told me there was nothing she could do, that's why she moved all the way to Mooresville. I tried to call my father, who told me he wouldn't do anything for me either. I spent thanksgiving in my room. No one asked for me.

December - I decided to avoid christmas alltogether. I came home after the new year and my grandmother, acting all dire, handed me forty dollars and told me she sold my car for junk. My aunts boyfriend, drinking on Christmas day, took a sledge hammer to my car in front of everyone. They said nothing, just watched.

in 1987, I learned there is no love that can last, no friend that is ever true, nor any safety that can be trusted. Every year at this time, I go to my grandmothers and find a corner to sit still. I turn the Jester into subtle sarcastic jabs and watch them act as if nothing ever happened. My mother who's very words are "fuck family", will laugh with them and play the independent sister. My aunt diane, having a new and kinder boyfriend, will treat me with idle curiosity but never, never mention all she has done. My other aunt Theresa will dolt over her grandchild, never admitted how she always treated one of her sons better than the other.

in 2007, the family convinced my grandmother not to cook so much as she's 84. I thought I'd email everyone and make sure all the general foods were covered. Asking my mother, who's whoring herself out to a rich man whom she loathes in an attempt to get a house, for their email addreses, her response was "fuck family, fuck organization". She and I haven't spoken in two weeks, and thinking on it, we haven't really spoken about anything but her endeavor to became a rich whore. She asked me this year if I'd bring sandrah around and pretend she was my girlfriend so her rich guy would like me. Apparently he hates fags and fat people.

Today I took a cake to my grandmothers and had to re-explain why I wasn't coming. Ofcourse she turned the remorse into grief about herself. No one in my family says they're sorry, no one in my family admits to mistakes, no one in my family acknowledges the truth. While sitting there, my aunt diane, the same fucking bitch that helped shape me into this non trusting, afraid to love, fucking freak of a person has the nerve to call and ask that I look at her computer.

Many, many things have happened since them. Not all bad, but my life started when I got away from that place. I carry all of this with me, and I've tried so hard to escape it, but I can't.

in 2007, I sit here on Thanksgiving with my two most beloved friends, Ookas and Shadow. They are just now sitting down for dinner and what I call the great performance. I can just envision one of them asking about me, and my grandmother will say "he's not feeling well". Whoever will just nod and contine shoveling too salty food down the hatch. No one acknowledges.

I can't pretend anymore.

'different for me'

2007-11-15T12:28:00.000-05:00

…my thoughts drift. I allow myself the folly of imagining a life with Cedric. I see rolling pillow fights on Sunday mornings with lots of giggling, I see quiet moments spent laying together and I see our legs entwined while we try to become as the other. I see these things and more, but my heart tells me something else.

“It’s different for me” he said. How sad am I? I speak to this guy for nearly three years, always keeping my composure, and two nights, …all that comes crashing down.

I can’t find words.