Sunday, June 24, 2012

I think i'm going to start another blog.  comprising of just essays about those singular moments in my life that I will always carry with me.

oh yeah....been thinking about rachel lately.  I wish I'd come across as more peace loving and sane, because she was one of those shining stars I can no longer see.

Friday, June 22, 2012


thinking I might have dodged a bullet.

about two weeks ago, while surfing through the personal sites, I had a message from "Cookiecub" stating I had nice hands.  It was peculiar enough to elicit a reply.  Shortly after we were talking on the phone, with lots of common ground.

And then...the disclosure.  He wanted to meet, to which I advised I'm practically immobile and that I'd only been out of the hospital a couple of weeks.  He offered to make dinner for me. 

So I cleaned....well, apparently not good enough.  He came over, and I sensed there wasn't an immediate physical connection (like for mike lobel from Suck or Boys Who Say No) - on either part but I was willing to take time and see if one grew. Hell, I wasn't interested in Randy the first two years I knew him.

While sitting in my living room, complete with wound vac and my best seduction cd playing, I asked him what he was thinking.

He looked at the ceiling, rubbed his hands against his thighs and said "Ahhh, this is awkward, but I don't there there is any chemistry there.  We can still be friends"

I took it as 'You're too big' or 'I can't deal with you wounded' ...  Occaisonally I checked out this twitter account, and started seeing a pattern.  At one point, he's bemoaning being single, then stating how having a bf is over rated he's single forever. 

Then Sunday night, he asks if he can call me.  We connected again on the phone...but I started thinking....'He's desperate and more into the idea of having a relationship, doesn't matter with who'.  He starts pushing coming over that night and gets all sexual when I'd already stated I take things slow.

We talked until 4am, which wasn't conducive to productivity the next day.  Turns out the real reason he wanted to leave that night - he saw dust on a painting on my wall and said my house was filthy.  OCD much?

After coming home from physical therapy and dealing with heat, I had a migraine.  Brian tried to push coming over that afternoon and when I told him I was laying down from pain, he wouldn't let it go.  ...the he got an attitude with me.

...yeah.  I'm done. 

so after feeling as if I just dodged a manipulative, needy queen...Katie tells me that her husband, Aaron, wants to move to Fargo. 

I thought I'd feel a panic, like when Randy said he might move when he was still with Tobey, but nothing came.  Our friendship has mostly been through text, emails and the on again/off again sunday games.  It makes me sad that I don't have that connection with anyone anymore.  Have I become apathetic enough that I turned into that Cure song "In Fear of Ghosts"?

"The further away I get, from the things that I care about, ... the less I care about how much further away I get"

My days are quiet, I leave for physical therapy three times a week, and then my D&D game every other friday.  Only John and my mother come to see me.  John to do something I can not, like changing my air filter, and my mother to grocery shop.  If it wasn't for Sopha Fett, I'd feel more isolatged than I do.

I've got a crush on my DM - Erick.  Of course he's hetero and married, but damn...even the hair on his arms makes me think naughty thoughts.  And, me being me, I've not kept my mouth shut about it either.  He seems to take it in stride, and at this point, I'm keeping it totally on a fantasy level. 

I've got about 10 more weeks of unemployment left before it runs out.  That's my time limit for getting my foot healed enough so I can walk on it, get a job and get my shit together.  no pressure.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

finally be free

and I will never see the truth, this is not a matter of my youth.
I do not need anybody else, bonds would put my mind into cells.

and I will never know I was wrong, never listen to those truly strong.
I do not fear anything that's not me, ignorance is the ultimate key.

but I wouldn't want to live like this forever.
but change myself?
never, never!
the very thought sends shivers down my spine.
I'm sure everything, everything will be fine.

I am the one who cries out at night, for somebody to change my very core.
not sure why I live in endless fright, doomed to love only myself forevermore.

I am the one who has no real friends, shallow people flocking to my banner.
always trying to make easy amends, cherishing my own overbearing manner.

life - always fragile.
I will never change.
love - always fleeting.
I will never change.

but I wouldn't want to live like this forever.
maybe I really was too clever.
but I wouldn't want to end like that.
I would die lonely and incredibly sad.

I will never drag myself out of this, the shadows of my past bogging me down.
feeling lost in turmoil and crisis, my face forever set in an endless frown.

I have been hurt beyond mental repair, thence destined to suffer eternal damnation.
no one can be there for me to care, but without I will never find salvation.

lust - always empty.
but I will never change.
death - always tempting.
but I will never change.

everything is about control.
I must never slip, nor ever fall.
anything is possible for me.
I must never doubt, and finally be free.

and finally be free.

Monday, June 11, 2012


tonight's the night.  tonight I find out if my unemployment is cut off, or if I have a few more weeks of respite...a few more weeks to heal.

physical therapy said my foot looked good today. 

exile is strange.

Saturday, June 09, 2012

only slightly

Not a disaster, but not successful either.  I could tell in the first few minutes that he wasn't interested physically.  He was polite about it, but I knew it had to do with the weight.

I could go on this spiral and worry about what I have to offer,  only bemoaning the negative, but I've done that too much already.   He was nice.  Was there an intense attraction, no.  We have a lot in common, yes....but he was just missing something.  Not sure what.

Having said that, it should be easier dealing with rejection....but only slightly.  Am I doomed to seek comfort from the likes of John, and to flirt with the unhaveable like Randy/Erick?

It's not so bad being alone...I've done it most of my life.  I've even learned how to not have a really intense friend to occupy my time, but I miss it. 

Friday, June 08, 2012


dare I hope?

continuing physical therapy, no bad news today.  It's killing me laying around the house, but it's probably best I delayed school until the fall due to my foot.

I met a guy online this week. his name is brian, and so far...he's pretty dreamy.  hes coming over tonight to hang out, maybe watch a movie.  I'm all nervous, anxious and excited.  There's the sex issue, but I'll save that for later.  He knows about my diabetes and recent foot just for my weight and haven't shown him my crooked teeth.  He's mentioned that he wants me to smile more.


dare  i hope?